Everything reminds me of my dog

I think I need to get a life. Since taking my sabbatical from the working world I no longer have a job to write about. The only thing worthy of this boredom is decreasing my anxiety meds. Now my world revolves around my man and the house. Oh, and my day is spent in the company of my dog.

I know people would kill for a break from their schedules and an opportunity to stay home like this. Trust me, I am grateful seeing I wasn't doing well on the outside. Inside I still have the same problems. I feel like hell lately. I'm not happy with who I am and I won't do anything about it. Sometimes you fall so many times you stay on the bottom.

I'm hitting a wall of depression tonight. I'm sure it isn't fun to read about. I'd like to say 'I hope I feel like myself tomorrow', but that isn't aiming high at all.

Monday, monday

Itchy and Scratchy
Amelie had a dog-gone bad birthday. Growing up is hard to do. Her allergy turned her kisser pink and she ruffled herself up as though she had fleas (unlucky dog). She was wagging over the email birthday wishes from her blogger fans.

Misery of morning
I missed the 'I'm gonna ralph' face but was right on time for the 'ugh, I'm sick' one. She had such a sorry look as I cleaned her up, poor girl!

Running with scissors
On a whim I decided to turn a maintenance clipping into a full-blown hair cut before her vet appointment. She was such a good girl! I'd have been tempted to give her a lolly if we had one at hand. Her new 'do' seems to have pepped her up a bit and has her nearly back to her ecstatic self.

The wonder of modern medicine
Just to let you fellow bloggers how my sleep schedule has been: Up one night, sleep most of the next. Thus my blogging has been less active, like the rest of me.

Well those unfortunate enough to experience mind altering drugs (prescribed of course) will know how rough it is for me right now. Try as I might I can't get my pharmacy filled and I'm running on empty. Why do I have to deal with this gack from the pharmacist? They lost the fax (someone said they saw something with my name? wtf?) from my shrinks office for my med refills. So when D went to pick it up on the way home from work - there wasn't anything there ready and waiting.

Try, try again
Next day, I explain all this to one of the drones trying to have them give me 3 days worth (which they just take off from the next submittal, as a rule). Then she tells me I do have 7 days worth left (?). I'm confused and said well then fill it and have it ready please. D goes off to pick them up. Later that night I open the white little baggy expecting a plethora of bottles - only to find 1 of my 5 meds!

Now I don't have the patience and haven't had my dosages. For those of you unfamiliar with the possible scenarios of this event, I will list them off. Risk of seizure, anxiety, even less sleep, depression, and the biggy - WITHDRAWAL. I've managed fine seeing I'm not working but I'm still ticked off because these people refuse to use their education. I'm just glad I'm not on a heavy dose of the benzo or on a different antidepressants like paxil (shudder)!

By the way, Tom Cruise
Bite me.

Dog day afternoon

Just an example of my true animal loving spirit. I spent the entire afternoon shopping for my pooch. She will be 9 months old this Sunday! I spend more on her than I do on myself. I think I get that from my mom (thanks again mom!).

Puppy Birthday
Mayo dreams come true!

~ click for a snippet of sweet!

Amelie was her hyperactive self this morning. Anyways, I got this bright idea to use some aromatherapy oil on her. I wasn't anticipating how strong it would be. Now that's aroma! By the time I left for my shopping trip she was flat out docile. I almost thought she got into moma's sleepy pills she was so spacey! I guess the point is that aromatherapy isn't just for humans and go easy on the perfume you crazy tart!

Well bully for you!
During my jaunt from petstore to petstore I became sidetracked by the puppy windows. They just melt your heart! There happened to be a pug sharing the same space of two cockapoos (I'm giggling like a school girl typing that word in). Well pugster was as bully as you get! Of course the meek woofer was getting its ass kicked by pugsly while bro pitched in.

We ended up making the girl (twit) working there move him, which she was not keen on doing. She was oh so worried about the signs matching the dog cages and said she couldn't separate the two siblings (duh move the trouble-maker knumbskull!).

So why is it that even in the animal kingdom, without human nature (we are the only self destructive species) , do two gang up against one? I have fish that do it, actually all sorts of fish that I had to separate for such behavior. I've seen chickens do the same grisly thing to each other on a documentary even (It ain't pretty).

Also, why is it that the person in charge (like school teachers, bosses, parents) let all of it take place? Take it from someone whose been picked on... Do your job and stop being so afraid to interfere. Just wait 'til somebody picks on my future children, cuz bully - it's payback time!

Ah ah CHOO!

Something in the air
What's the record for how many sneezes in a row? 'Tis the season. All the beautiful flowers, lush green grass, and don't forget those poofy little dandelion seeds spreading joy on wing in their notorious fluffy parachutes.

Reminds me of a story about someone. When he was just a little arse (not yet the big arse he is now) he loved to blow on those dandelions and make a wish. One summer he found a huge (not sure how big it would seem now) cotton ball of a dandelion.

Now I'm not sure on the wish, or that it counts seeing how it turned out. While readying himself to take an enormous puff... HE INHALED THE WHOLE THING! This resulted in a spasm of choking and coughing.

This probably provides one of the reasons he grew up to be jaded, come to think of it. Anyway, I thought it was funny, don't you?

Love cats
Being up all night I get to hear all kinds of things. How many cars speed recklessly down the street, people coming home in the wee hours drunk as a skunk and thus louder and clumsier than usual, and mostly, mostly I hear CATS IN HEAT!

I could go into detail about why the lady cat howls and leaves very pissed off but it's quite graphic (I'll give you a hint that 'spikes' are involved! You can look up the rest). People, stop leaving your cat out at night. Especially if you don't have the heart (or home for the resulting litter) to fix your furry feline friends. Geez!

It's not all bad
Plenty of nice things occur but never have the chance to be published. Mostly, the words come out corny, and worst of all boring. Delete delete. Sarcasm sells. Buy what you want into that.

Wide open

When I get it all wrong

I missed my shrink appointment yesterday. The reason borders on insanity itself. I was too sick. It was in my best interest to go but I didn't. That's where it becomes complicated. It isn't always easy to open up, even to the people you trust the most.

About last night
The sleepless saga continues. I used to sleep to escape, when the comforter on the bed became true to its name. Now I sleep in bits. Particles that remind everyone I'm not like them. I doubt I ever will be. Feeling so terribly alone.

Mostly I lay there hating myself. Trying not to. Lately it's hard to keep a firm grip on reason. Not to do anything drastic. When life plays out a pattern that no one else can see. I'm sodden with guilt and shame. I sentence myself as a loser for life. I finally give in and take a pill which after effects leave the next day harder. I drift off having drowned my pain.

Today I am absent. Like a memory gap. This is called a coping mechanism. Providing a break from the temperamental thoughts. Somehow it dulls the ache, for now. Yet it feels like a blank page and having writers block. I hear them say inside themselves or under breathe 'not again'. I have failed myself and them. The people who have saved me time & again.

All I can do
Just wait it out. Hope it goes away and doesn't last like it has before. Hardly reassuring.

Night and day

Melt down
I haven't been diligent in my posting. Insomnia is winning and I'm too tired to do a bloody thing. Anyway, it's extremely hot in here and the forecast is hotter for tomorrow. I'm not a heat freak.

Waking hours
I watched the Machinist over the weekend which was brilliant. I also watched Wicker Park which was somewhere between a love story and stalker drama. Minus Cold Play (remake) the music was good (not all are include in the soundtrack). If your interested in looks I will say the lead character is easy on the eyes. Nuff said.

Strange days

Attack of the birds

I wonder what it means when your neighborhood becomes over run by crows. Huge ones. My sister says they must be ravens. They are sadistic little bastards that pick apart everything around them. Seriously, they have torn wings off birds and even scared off a cat trying to catch a squirrel (wanting it for itself, no heroic deed there).

One track mind
I NEED chocolate! Wouldn't you guess there's none in the house? Didn't I know this would happen? Yes, and now here I am fidgeting in desperation. I wish there was a service to call, like 1-800-CRAVING.

Yes, yes! We have pudding! Wow, that was pretty intense. All I can say is NEVER run out of your secret stash. EVER!


It isn't just the weather
A gray day. It's been raining all week, not that I mind. My heart is heavy. As dark as outside. Already night. Where has the day gone?

Sometimes I hate being a woman. The swell of emotions and discontent that being so accounts for every month. Needing to hear words that downplay insecurities. When nothing feels right. Not at all. Where silence is deafening as it reminds you how afraid you are to speak your mind.

Too much is never enough
How impossible! I can't keep up! The truth is we have too many things! What we have is a mess. Not having room. Finding out the things we have don't suit us or our habits.

I'm feeling less control than I ever did. I feel kept. It would be different if I had kids to take care of (though Amelie bares the same behavior as every two year old). It would be different if I was married.

'how could I be
so insecure

to think that he
could fill the missing
element in me' ~ bjork

I'm not complaining that someone intends to take care of me. I just feel intentions are always before the fact and never match the outcome. If I'm not doing it on my own I have no respect for myself. Simple as that.

Happy web blogger's day!

Sleep one night, up the next. Hey, do you think I'm bipolar? I can't figure it out. The reason I ask this is because I swear I don't want to sleep. I said it before. Does anyone want to psycho-analyze that?

Green tea... For dogs?
Amelie got into the garbage while I was doing my clean sweep of the kitchen. Instead of bits of food and what not, she decided on a caffeine fix. She got into the coffee grounds. She munched on a tea bag. And here is the kicker... She's sleeping. And me...

Blinded by the light
Wow! I must say insomnia has it's benefits. This bright blinding light cuts across the wall. Its so white. All the birds are settling down, as the chirping - like yawning ceases when they are finally awake. My window fills with blue sky and distant clouds. The trees shimmer in the sun. Not a bad way to start a day.

Prognosis... Positive

A taste of happiness
I had a sweet day. I went to bed and got up at a reasonable hour. I hopped out of bed and my ailing foot was remarkably better. My dearest made a coffee run to Starbucks . We watched a movie over blueberry scones (scons - as Darrel pronounces it, being a stubborn Brit).

I made a simple but healthy dinner consisting of fragrant jasmine rice, baby snap peas, julianned carrots and crisp water chestnuts topped with a homeade sweet and sour sauce. Add a chaser of freshly brewed Jasmine & Green infused iced tea to keep the theme. Later I made a light but creamy chocolate banana dessert.

I actually get to cook again seeing I'm at home full-time. Something I do enjoy doing. I even made a proper snack for post work-out, full of protein and also calorie wise.

I've done well.

Toot toot!
Amelie has gas. The sneak up and floor you kind. Its become a real problem. I gave her some pepto-bismal (she has a pink mustache to prove it) but it didn't obliterate the silent killers she's emitting. For something so small she sure has magnitude!

I've been perusing 'Blog Explosion' and I haven't finished all the work I intended. My kitchen looks like a bomb hit it, aptly so. Massive clean up efforts will be put into action tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

Who, who?

I'm a night owl. Not funny.
Imagine all the infomercials I'd end up watching if it weren't for the internet! I've seen my share. Not one sold a sleep-aid. How bad is that? Hmmm, a lucrative market to explore... But the other late night advertisers would probably pay you off before you could pitch a sale.

E is for effort
I laid in bed and listened to coast to coast waiting to drift off into some obscure dream created by radio driven content. I've eaten cheese (if you don't know about that one label me crazy Gouda). I've eaten carb laden crackers. No sleepy-bye for me. If I knock my head against the wall a few times from the absurdity of all this I might at least pass out into unconsciousness.

My sister, obviously intending to visit my parents did a drive-by seeing their cars weren't home. I only live adjacent to them so I couldn't help but be offended when she didn't bother stopping in to visit me. We just had pizza delivered too. Her loss.

Up to where?
Darrel is fed-up to here (hand over head gesture). Maybe the monotony of his job is getting to him. He always seems tired and is obviously more withdrawn than his usual loner self. I hope he doesn't feel obligated to stay up late doing side-work to cover my share. There must be some resentment living with me. I'm not a bonus, more of a door #3. A jackass and a broken toaster, metaphorically speaking.

Fish are friends
My fish floats. A hole in its side like a capsized boat. He may be sick, but isn't dead. Not a puff of suffering seen, I promise. So what do I do? Feed his hungry belly like every morning (he has been this way for a long time) or freeze him into the deep sleep? His remedy drops just aren't working I'm afraid. Sad.

Goodbye to an era

I have such huge news! I quit my job! I'm feeling a bit mortified now, seeing I'm unemployed. Of course there was a plan or I wouldn't have done it. My shrink won't believe I actually, finally, did it!

So quiet

shh, shh. The world sleeps while I try not to wake it. I'm up all night long. My inner clock keeps ticking (maybe that's what's keeping me up) but the timing is all off. I'd love to hear I'm not alone when I say I think I don't want to sleep. Isn't that just crazy?

My head is dopey since this insomnia 'bout. Being at home is worrisome knowing I have plenty of experience being a shut-in. I'm what iffing myself to death. Good gravy, what if history repeats itself.
Its all happened before, and it will all happen again ~ song, unknown title

I'm such a pill!
Yet another pill. I just had my dosage increased.

I have all these empty bottles I refuse to throw away. They represent something. When they do get tossed its in batches. I cant ever figure out what I could do with them. Anybody have an idea? I'm thinking about creating an art piece. Just the quantity of them makes such a statement. Amber containers that make me different. That make me like many. Hope in a jar.


Yesterday I completely lost it. I had a nightmare condensing all my problems. All the heartache was fresh and raw. I woke up feeling the way I have been lately and hobbled about on my sore foot. No way could I do any walking in my lousy shoes, if that. I called work and told them I couldn't work my shifts this week, I didn't know about next week either. I didn't even care if I would get fired because I was at the end of my rope.

Then I called my ride (my Dad) I don't know how he knew there was more, but he did. The second he asked I started bawling. Couldn't stop. Called my Mom. He came over and I practically collapsed in his arms. My Mom was on the phone and I was trying to explain to both of them about the dream, which wasn't just a dream. It was real life. They said it was my anxiety and to calm down. I eventually did with crying spells between.

Then my head does what it always does, disassociates. I was zombie like. All the emotions I guess. I slept for what felt like a long time. Even when I was awake I was completely drained. I visited with my sister, who kept my mind off it and Darrel was being supportive but by nighttime I was in a bad place. I actually surrendered and went to bed when Darrel did. No insomnia, just mental exhaustion. Like I just caved-in.

Here and now
Today I slept a lot. I don't feel real yet, kinda blank. I have been convincing myself I'll be OK somehow. I have a twitch letting me know my pancreas hasn't forgiven me for the stress its been through as of late. All I know is something changed and I'm different.

The benefits
I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't have that insane appetite AT ALL. No panic attack today so far. My dreams are still bent but not disturbing. I wake unaffected. All due to the fact I finally broke down and realized I can't do what I was doing anymore.
there's the silver lining for you.