Wide open

When I get it all wrong
I missed my shrink appointment yesterday. The reason borders on insanity itself. I was too sick. It was in my best interest to go but I didn't. That's where it becomes complicated. It isn't always easy to open up, even to the people you trust the most.

About last night
The sleepless saga continues. I used to sleep to escape, when the comforter on the bed became true to its name. Now I sleep in bits. Particles that remind everyone I'm not like them. I doubt I ever will be. Feeling so terribly alone.

Mostly I lay there hating myself. Trying not to. Lately it's hard to keep a firm grip on reason. Not to do anything drastic. When life plays out a pattern that no one else can see. I'm sodden with guilt and shame. I sentence myself as a loser for life. I finally give in and take a pill which after effects leave the next day harder. I drift off having drowned my pain.

Hollow
Today I am absent. Like a memory gap. This is called a coping mechanism. Providing a break from the temperamental thoughts. Somehow it dulls the ache, for now. Yet it feels like a blank page and having writers block. I hear them say inside themselves or under breathe 'not again'. I have failed myself and them. The people who have saved me time & again.

All I can do
Just wait it out. Hope it goes away and doesn't last like it has before. Hardly reassuring.