Wide open

When I get it all wrong

I missed my shrink appointment yesterday. The reason borders on insanity itself. I was too sick. It was in my best interest to go but I didn't. That's where it becomes complicated. It isn't always easy to open up, even to the people you trust the most.

About last night
The sleepless saga continues. I used to sleep to escape, when the comforter on the bed became true to its name. Now I sleep in bits. Particles that remind everyone I'm not like them. I doubt I ever will be. Feeling so terribly alone.

Mostly I lay there hating myself. Trying not to. Lately it's hard to keep a firm grip on reason. Not to do anything drastic. When life plays out a pattern that no one else can see. I'm sodden with guilt and shame. I sentence myself as a loser for life. I finally give in and take a pill which after effects leave the next day harder. I drift off having drowned my pain.

Today I am absent. Like a memory gap. This is called a coping mechanism. Providing a break from the temperamental thoughts. Somehow it dulls the ache, for now. Yet it feels like a blank page and having writers block. I hear them say inside themselves or under breathe 'not again'. I have failed myself and them. The people who have saved me time & again.

All I can do
Just wait it out. Hope it goes away and doesn't last like it has before. Hardly reassuring.


FreedomGirl said...

Its like you read my mind...going through the darkness sucks.

grace said...

At least you are getting some help. :) thats the first step to making things better. Hope things will come around for u soon.

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

I hope you get to feeling better...I love your blog and the manner in which you express yourself, BTW.

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Hey there (again)...

Do you mind if I put a link to your blog onh mine? :-)


Milt Bogs said...

Where have you gone? I'm missing the words.