Every little thing

It's been nearly I week since switching back to the real deal. I think the brand name wellbutrin (non generic) keeps my appetite under control and is starting to clear my head. I don't graze as much or get an extra helping. I'm not get those crazy cravings. My mood is better today than it has been for quite awhile.

Soul searching, I've become aware of what a martyr I really am, sabotaging my own happiness. It has to stop. I worked at recovering positive memories while waiting for a good nights rest to claim me last night. I think that helped. My memory isn't an easy access, nothing at the forefront during the time I've been medicated. I think the stuff before that I engraved in my mind so its harder to forget.

I'm having a horrible time with what I assume to be asthma lately. I'm just not getting air without that heaviness in my chest. I'm so drugged or groggy that I can't remember what I'm doing (thus being diverted), what show I was watching during a commercial, answers to questions I've asked. I didn't take my xanax today, and I still find myself tired. Caffeine isn't cutting it these days.
Time for a nap or energy drink. What do you think?

Oh, Amelie sends her lickity kisses to those who are wondering how she's been. The new dog (Speckles) has Ams back up a bit. Her attention has been elsewhere, while she tends to her rival. As mom, I've been busy reffing the two since my last blog entry.

Who knew?

What Flavour Are You? I am a subtle taste, like Pine.I am a subtle taste, like Pine.

I am a quiet, fresh taste, almost more of a scent than a flavour. You will be aware of me, but not quite remember me without being reminded. Not that I'm boring; on the contrary, I'm just a little outside the ordinary.
What Flavour Are You?


I can smell the essential oil I applied last night. My foul mistake. Stinky like black pepper. At the time I believed I had grabbed the strawberry scent, but I was wrong. What is worse is that it flowed faster than the berry oil. That's how I figured it out. Ending with me drenched in Muscle relief stink. Which isn't so bad really, ignoring the fact its a smell certain to wake and I was intending to sleep. An assault to my olfactory senses instead of sweet slumber.

Actually, that reminds me of a culinary trend when I was younger that I had always wanted to try. Strawberry and black pepper ice cream. Seriously. I've had 'Ube' ice cream. A Filipino treat the flavor of purple yam. I've had the kind with chunks of real coconut meat too. Delish. However I wasn't impressed with the spoonful of 'Cheese and Corn' flavor. That one got spat directly into the sink being an instant displeasure to my taste buds.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

Gloom and doom

Sometimes it's like tunnel vision. I get depressed and can't stop thinking about it. Even when I'm not thinking about it I'm still feeling it. Thoughts of failure bearing down on me.

I don't know how to explain it. I feel like when I was younger. I feel like an old Depeche Mode tune. Nothing seems to have changed the moments I feel this way. More lonely than words can describe. Incredibly empty. It passes for an hour or so but keeps coming back.

My dreams are heavy hearted, and I wake that way too. Sometimes a nap clears my head. Not now.

The only difference is the missing thick black eyeliner and pale palor of years ago.