The problem is...

The doctor only confirmed my personal diagnosis. Somehow I have to rid myself of stress which is hard seeing I have an easy life. Well, it would be easy if I weren't a basketcase. I'm pretty sure the insomnia is from the strain of feeling guilty for having it easier than some people. I can't get out of my head how weak I am.

Self sufficience please
It's hard to accept my limitations and not beat myself up about them. When all is said and done it would mean I am forever dependant on meds, family, my boyfreind. All of whom have enough to worry about.

Wide awake
I still can't sleep at night. Its nice to know I'm not alone, but as far as drinking goes I can't. I have pancreatis. Self medicating isn't an option. Niether is my eating if I want to wear anything.

When I take a nap I feel OK for awhile. Inevetiably the depression and anxiety follow. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Its such a sick feeling inside.

The hidden place
In order to heal I would need to stay home. There, I said it. And there is the guilt. I fear I'll become a shut-in. Other people deserve the solitude and peace more than I do and I haven't been able to deal with that. So I haven't left my job or committed myself to doing
anything around the house. I haven't done any art or fixed up the place. I'm not listing for my Ebay biz. There is no sanctuary, for now at least.

Give sleep a chance

Less than 3 hours sleep last night and no snoozing beforehand. I'm really behind in my z's lately. Insomnia comes easy to me. I'm a night owl. A real hoot! So I took the scorned upon nap that they tell you not to do (it messes with your sleep schedule). How else am I going to see through gritty dry eyes tomorrow morning?

A bowl full of jelly
How many rolls do you have? Ever have the surprise that pants that fit yesterday don't overnight, today the button is bursting? I eat to get to sleep. The carbs knock me out. I'd add more sleep medicine to my cocktail but the hangover the next morning is terrible ( I wasn't trying to make a pun either).

I tally my calories and nutritional needs, no more guessing. I'm trying to stay on my feet more and hopefully the doc can help me with my heel pain. Then its new shoes and working out. Especially walking. Working in the mall lets you window shop at the same time. When its congested with toothpicks, half naked kids (though you wouldn't guess) it isn't as much fun. Some of the stuff I hear from inside the store is disgusting. And when did girls take up spitting on the sidewalk? Gross!

Back to the ironing board
I'm the laundry queen. I'm getting hooked on the mesmerising whirling spin cycle of the washer and bumpity thump of the dryer. Now that we have floor space I've realized we don't have nearly enough hangers. I used to admire my boyfriends Ikea polished metal hangers - that is until I had to lift a handful. Me no like. They are HEAVY!

I've done my own laundry for years and suddenly I have the most wrinkled clothing.
I could sleep in my clothes and have them pass for public viewing. The snuggle softener bear has been sleeping on the job. Maybe Amelie got to him.

As easy-wear the fabric is I grudgingly had to iron. Obviously there is something wrong with the ironing board (which is too big for our kitchen), as well as the iron itself. You see, the wrinkles come back before I can actually finish hanging the damn clothing. Someone teach me, I'm steam & press challenged! Maybe its the dryer. Maybe its me. Naw, that can't be!

A word to the wise

Is this guy for real?
I came across this wack job's site. Everyone has an opinion about a million things but some people can't see for looking! If your going to play judge, or feign interest then get some facts and not just the ones you choose relevant.

Doctor, doctor
So I'm going to the doctors. I'm not happy about it. They can't perform magic, and I have an inkling about my own body. But I'm going. Amazing what pain and prodding can make you do.

Oh, and I am cutting calories and I'm not spending money.

Is it just me..?

I think I'm sad. Truly I'm not sure what I am really feeling. Is this quirk just something that occurs? Do other people get this way? I really worry myself sometimes.

I'm scanning PJ's pet store as usual when I notice these two girls looking at me. I really didn't know why. I turned my head and looked again, and they were wide eyed like before. Then when I was talking with my boss at work she looked at my face and asked 'what happened?'. Oh yes, now it all makes sense! I had performed minor surgery on the spots on my face. Calcium deposits that just don't go away. I was watching a Japanese horror flick involving doctors. I think I was tainted by the idea and wanted a scalpel of my own (didn't realize I could have). Anyway, I don't look that bad post-op. Or at least I thought I didn't.

Sleep and more sleep
My sleep schedule is a complete mess. I have insomnia at night and then take a nap late in the day, and so the cycle continues.
I'm so tired in the morning I almost feel like quitting and staying home. But that would be another problem. I wish I knew what I was doing. I can barely keep my eyes open the first hour or two at work. I just need some time off to get a grip. Weekends don't seem to do it for me. I guess I'm still recovering from the ills of the week and resting those days.

Enter at your own risk
If your aware of previous nattering you'll remember I'm not getting much done around the house. I feel awful about it. Little bits of cleaning here and there just aren't cutting it. I have a dirty house, so if you plan to visit please watch your step. Who knows what's lurking around here these days.

Voodoo thing?

Ah! Finally. Life is back to normal, at least for the next few weeks. I swear it gets worse every month. Do people still refer to it as 'the curse'? Someone sure did put a hex on me.

Pennies from heaven
Well the store has more orders coming, meaning the doors will be open for a little while longer at least. That's good because I've become rather accustomed to getting a paycheck. It's pretty hard spending money when you have none. How else will I buy happiness? Hmmm?

Something changed
I miss so much. Like a dull ache inside me. Things were different back then. My head in the clouds. All the snogging, blowing money at the movies and dining out. I enjoyed cooking and reading, decorating. Having a nice glass of wine and just hanging out with a good friend. Being able to take my Mom or Sister out for lunch. Feeling pretty, feeling talented, feeling special. What I miss most are the possibilities. Not the past. Just being able to dream happily. I guess everyone reflects on their life. All we really need is to be able to look ahead, diligently.


Yeah, so I call in sick this morning. " I can't go to work because I've got diarrhea". How totally EMBARRASSING. Oh, and I drank apple juice later finding out your NOT supposed to. So I took my boss' s advice and got some Ginger Aid. The bonus was that it also had blackberry leaf in it which is good for what is ailing me. The tummy isn't rumbling as much. I'm not sure about work tomorrow. I hate to let Diana down. This might become a pain in the ass for both of us - no pun intended. I kid you not - my dog is having the same problem. It's a real poop party over here!

I HAVE to go to the doctors (yes, plural) and have been putting it off. Procrastination has led to my missing work and feeling miserable these days. It sounds strange but I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the deal by not getting better, or staying that way. It must suck dealing with sick people all day.


I can't seem to figure out where to start. I have piles of laundry to do, sky high dishes, a plethora of papers to go through, and figuring out how to deal with very possibly getting layed off (I have no idea what is happening to the store or where I stand). Top it all up with compulsive overeating and a current weight problem. My foot isn't getting any better and that headache keeps coming back. Don't forget the PMS! Frustrating? Hell yah!


I can smell it. Hear the droplets interposed by intermittent thunder that rumbles much like my stomach. Demeter 'Thunderstorm' is this fragrance. I guess the problem is that its missing the cool air and grey sky. Abeyance is everything, isn't it?

Where the hell have you been?

I haven't been posting as diligently as I should. It isn't because my life has been uneventful. On the contrary, it's had it's moments.

For instance, I got in a fight with my sister. Thank God we are forgiving people, unlike the rest of the family. Things are back to the way they were. She finally decided on a pet. I haven't met the bunny yet.

Put a cork in it
Amelie is in constant pooh mode. The pills the vet wants her to take are reacting rather poorly to the hardwood and carpet. She has taken a liking to Pepto Bismal so things are looking up.

I finally know what all her whining is all about. She wants me to hang out with her. Not food. Not play. Look out the window and be an observer sort of companion. She knows I understand to follow her now and seems drunk on the possibility of having me to herself all the time.

Down with the sickness
While I was at work wildly trying to close the store and take a desperate trip to the restroom, hubs had come home sick with a migraine.

Neither of us feel like ourselves these days. I find myself worried about him. I keep wondering when he is going to crash and the world as we know it turns upside down. Usually that's my role but what the heck would it be like if the sane one wasn't all there keeping it together?

I also came up with a brand new fear. My psychiatrist no longer being there. It hadn't occurred to me before. Scenarios like that freak me out. I guess I see him as a life-line. That must be a common problem for them and for their patients. Not that I've seen him lately. I always feel guilty taking up time and tax payers money. A doctor sent me that message loud and clear one time when I was ill in an emergency room and much younger. I never got over it. Just like the other memories that make me screwed up and mental. Sometimes I'm grateful I can be so forgetful.

On the top of the mountain

My Amelie sits tall up upon the highest spot she can get to in the house. At the moment it's the couch. My Mom says I'm too easy on her. I don't discipline. Ah but I have, I just don't like it. When my dog looks at me I know she could do no wrong. She trusts me to the point of being silly. I love her. Even when I grit my teeth at the upteenth mistake she's made in the middle of the night. Who could resist those brown eyes? Here's to baby Am. Please stop stepping on my hair when I'm sleeping - Funny fur-girl!

Ouch, my freakin' ears!
Well, I've heard the snippets from the 'Army of Me' CD that just came out. They had 800 versions to choose from and they picked these? Everyone butchered that song! I hate remakes as a general rule, and these cover tunes are no exception. She may have had charity in her heart, but your better off donating to unicef tsunami efforts directly. Sorry Bjork, I love ya but even the best tracks can get mutilated when put in the wrong hands.

Actually I'm being unfair. It being my favorite song during a critical moment in my life. It means so much to me because it was the eye openner for me. The lyrics told me what I needed to hear. I called my ex on his lies and started fighting for my survival. Besides, these artists are nothing like the queen bee, at least to me.

Is there anyone out there?

So I was reading my usual favorite blogs this morning. That's when I decided to lurk around and add some new ones to my list. An overwhelming feeling of disdain swept over me as I choked down some of my leftover birthday cake. I couldn't find any 'group' I could fit in. It seems everyone is pregnant, has kids, a career, (so they should stop b****ing) or talk about sex incessantly (and I don't believe most of the self gratifying sh** they write anyway). I will still read my favorite bloggers because of their wit. It's just a bit depressing not finding anyone to relate to.


Inside I am seething. I'm angry because I am not getting the respect I think I deserve. I'm feeling sad for myself too. These are signs that I actually give a damn about myself. However, the rest of the world thinks a person is spoiled for acting sorry for themselves. So I'm back and forth playing the blame game for how I FEEL I'm being treated.
Inner dialogue: I deserve it. Life is like that. Grow up, brat.
I'm gonna go zombie on their asses! Rage for little reason than itself.

'never go against nature
because when you do...
to go against nature
is part of nature too'
~love and rockets

I don't wanna. I don't think so.
So here I sit, stewing in my own juices. Arms crossed with my bottom lip sticking out. I can't afford to act out my aggression. I can't make demands. I'm puny. To have no money is to have no voice. All I'm allowed to do is struggle like little people do. I don't think I'm better than anyone else and deserve more. I think EVERYONE deserves better. Oh, I do think it's just, in all fairness if some fat cats fall though. Level the playing field. Grrrr.

Say it isn't so

Happy 34th! It's my birthday. So far I've had a lot of crappy things happen this week. I even have a pair of shredded pants to prove it. Then there is the letter saying I owe a phenomenal amount on my student loan due IMMEDIATELY ( I was under the impression I would have to resume payments). One would like to think they would be spared on such an occasion as today, but I won't hold my breath.

Make a wish
I'd blow out some virtual candles on a pretend cake and let you in on my direst wish but there are a bloody lot of them and can't narrow it down to one. I'll let you know if any come true.

Aging gracefully

When I was just a kid I remember getting taller. In fact I contemplated the idea of actually being a bit fearful of the height I'd taken on so quickly. I also thought about how all the grown up things wouldn't be so scary because, well, I'd be grown up when I had to face them. Things such as high school, fitting in, hopeful in remedying being so klutzy, and being bullied.

It turns out none of those things I tried to convince myself I'd be ready for were any less scary. I was still afraid to cross the street as a teenager. More so scared of looking stupid, or being seen period. My friends would drag me to the class where the teacher made me talk and look dumb, only for me to run out the back door when they left (when I had friends). I made myself take the bus even though it felt like hell and I tended to miss my stop because I was too busy looking down, fidgeting fingers. Have and had some serious issues with eating in public too. I never did get over my anxiety over driving. I did however get my license, to prove to myself it wasn't lack of ability.

I'm getting older and I still feel childish. But there is some comfort, it's said growing up is highly over rated.

That's what post-it notes are for
Ok. I can't blame aging for everything. My meds play a part in making me feel and look a bit more of a stump than I really am. I find conversing or debating makes me feel so inadequate. Names, events, even the topic gets forgotten. I pretend I'm thinking of the right words to say, when in fact I haven't got a clue what was being said in the first place. Losing my train of thought? More like derailed and off track completely.

I'm not alone in this predicament. There are many others with the same problem. Everyone is very supportive and convinced all I need to do is write it down. There are so many sheets of paper and notebooks going because I forget where I put them in the first place (unless I get somewhere to put them). However none of the scrawling help when I leave the faucet on, or the stove, or forget to take my meds. Hmmm... Isn't that how I got this way in the first place?

Off on a tangent
Right now I'm trying to find ways to stay organized, that is when I'm not getting sidetracked every few minutes. I have the best intentions.

Now where was I?...

Make something out of this

I miss being creative. I just don't have the time for it these days. There are so many things I want to brush-up on. Don't get me wrong I get creative on the job but I want more. I stayed up late last night thinking about it. What I've done compared to what I'm doing. Currently I'm wishing I'd just do something on my own and preferably get paid for it.

Party pooper
I can't believe I didn't book my birthday off. I have a dentist appointment this week so I'm already missing a day of work. I thought it would be asking for too much. Worst of all is that I'm scheduled for the weekend, which I usually have off. Can you say temper tantrum? I would but I'm too busy cancelling the clown and pony ride. I bet they spell my name wrong on the cake too.