Yesterday I completely lost it. I had a nightmare condensing all my problems. All the heartache was fresh and raw. I woke up feeling the way I have been lately and hobbled about on my sore foot. No way could I do any walking in my lousy shoes, if that. I called work and told them I couldn't work my shifts this week, I didn't know about next week either. I didn't even care if I would get fired because I was at the end of my rope.

Then I called my ride (my Dad) I don't know how he knew there was more, but he did. The second he asked I started bawling. Couldn't stop. Called my Mom. He came over and I practically collapsed in his arms. My Mom was on the phone and I was trying to explain to both of them about the dream, which wasn't just a dream. It was real life. They said it was my anxiety and to calm down. I eventually did with crying spells between.

Then my head does what it always does, disassociates. I was zombie like. All the emotions I guess. I slept for what felt like a long time. Even when I was awake I was completely drained. I visited with my sister, who kept my mind off it and Darrel was being supportive but by nighttime I was in a bad place. I actually surrendered and went to bed when Darrel did. No insomnia, just mental exhaustion. Like I just caved-in.

Here and now
Today I slept a lot. I don't feel real yet, kinda blank. I have been convincing myself I'll be OK somehow. I have a twitch letting me know my pancreas hasn't forgiven me for the stress its been through as of late. All I know is something changed and I'm different.

The benefits
I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't have that insane appetite AT ALL. No panic attack today so far. My dreams are still bent but not disturbing. I wake unaffected. All due to the fact I finally broke down and realized I can't do what I was doing anymore.
there's the silver lining for you.


mainja said...

so bloody hard to let go of the anxiety. terrible place to be in, the bad dreams place, 'cause it makes sleep scary, but how can you heal without sleep?

good luck, i'll be thinkin' of you.

Mizchelle said...

Just surfing by courtesy of BlogExplosion. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things work out for you soon.

gabbi said...

Thanks! Every little bit of compassion makes a world of difference. I appreciate your having more than read my blog but actually taking the time to listen. I'm touched by your kindness.

Love your blogs too!

Sera Strawbridge said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog .. I will be back. =D

P.S. Nightmares suck.

B said...

I just surfed by as well and wanted to wish you well. One of my blogs (When Women Go Wrong) is about my battles with anxiety and depression (now well-managed with proper medication). Some parts are hard reading (they are marked as such) but many are not. You might find something to bring you hope. Best wishes.

gabbi said...

Well I'm up all night now so at least I don't have nightmares! I like reading your blogs, it keeps me from feeling so lonely in those wee hours of the morning. The comments are welcome, especially during these trying times.