Yesterday I completely lost it. I had a nightmare condensing all my problems. All the heartache was fresh and raw. I woke up feeling the way I have been lately and hobbled about on my sore foot. No way could I do any walking in my lousy shoes, if that. I called work and told them I couldn't work my shifts this week, I didn't know about next week either. I didn't even care if I would get fired because I was at the end of my rope.
Then I called my ride (my Dad) I don't know how he knew there was more, but he did. The second he asked I started bawling. Couldn't stop. Called my Mom. He came over and I practically collapsed in his arms. My Mom was on the phone and I was trying to explain to both of them about the dream, which wasn't just a dream. It was real life. They said it was my anxiety and to calm down. I eventually did with crying spells between.
Then my head does what it always does, disassociates. I was zombie like. All the emotions I guess. I slept for what felt like a long time. Even when I was awake I was completely drained. I visited with my sister, who kept my mind off it and Darrel was being supportive but by nighttime I was in a bad place. I actually surrendered and went to bed when Darrel did. No insomnia, just mental exhaustion. Like I just caved-in.
Here and now
Today I slept a lot. I don't feel real yet, kinda blank. I have been convincing myself I'll be OK somehow. I have a twitch letting me know my pancreas hasn't forgiven me for the stress its been through as of late. All I know is something changed and I'm different.
I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't have that insane appetite AT ALL. No panic attack today so far. My dreams are still bent but not disturbing. I wake unaffected. All due to the fact I finally broke down and realized I can't do what I was doing anymore.
there's the silver lining for you.