Came and went

Part of me is feeling better. I'm finally able to get a few things done around here. But I'm still struggling.

These days are spent dog-sitting. I'm serenaded by the mournful song of poor Kerwin missing his parents. The same sad croon whenever Darrel has to go.

Summer's warmth has come to an end. An odd pre-autumn has settled in. A chill without the frost or changing color of leaves. The weather almost as unsure as I am about the role we're playing.

A familiar road

Why does antidepressant withdrawal make things feel worse? I'm integrating the new med I'm switching to into the mix so it shouldn't be a problem, one would think. It isn't a new experience for me, but certainly a challenging one. Oh yes... it's just the beginning.

Little Amelie tries to keep me company when rest seems impossible. I tell her night-time is for sleeping, as the tap of her toenails pace the floor. At least Darrel doesn't need to be awake, his patience waring. But my mind keeps on racing.

The sky these days is stark grey, so much like how I'm feeling. What I like to think is that like the weather, my mood will change... in hours, days, perhaps even weeks - nomatter how fleeting.

The answer is often found under the cap of a Jones Soda

'A new chapter in your life is being written'

Finally, after a lot of denial and avoidance on my part - I am switching meds. There is a riddle of reasons why. It had become hard to face the usual things. Like a neglected blog, stacks of dishes, piles of laundry, badly behaved dogs, my creative attempts seeming nothing more than a mess than art, friends drifting apart, the new white hair much like a cow-lick, wary of time to marry or nest as it's quickly passing.

I waited and contemplated (make that surrendered and endured) hoping I would snap out of this funk. I wanted to ride out the bad time as just another trip on life's moody roller coaster. An ache gnawed at my gut and the constant fear that I deserved the pain and guilt I was feeling. When I tried to move forward the motivation would wash away too quickly.

I stopped writing. I didn't feel interesting, just crazy. Obviously, because my life's full of wonderful people and good things. I found it hard to enjoy much when my brain was filled with self insult. I became tired all the time. I guess all that loathing and brooding was hard work. Instead of talking about it, I became silent. After all, I was under the impression there was nothing worthy to share. Who would listen when even I was exhausted by my own melodrama and complaints. I felt I failed and hated to admit it. Who wants to be a disappointment?

Yesterday I summoned the courage to see my Pdoc after so long. And with that a new regime begins. Changes to make things better and stop hiding. So here I am. And here is somewhere, isn't it?

But just what will the future hold for you? Get your handy under the cap fortune

Get away

I've been on hiatus. While others take a vacation, this summer has been a more soul-searching venture for me. Blogging, like for many people this time of year - sits backstage. I've been doing hours of sketching and thinking, mulling and ruminating. Mostly evaluating my need for goals, purpose, and true intention. Basically it's me trying to come to terms with my lack of self investment in every area of my life. I need to decide what it is that I want (opposed to expect) for my life. I'm just wondering what that might be.

The past week, in a NUTShell...

Life has been sooo ridiculous. I've had 3 perfectly good post entries gobbled up, I lost an entire digital diary (including all my custom lists and need to knows in it), MS-crapin'-N Instant Messenger won't work today, plus I keep getting these revelations about past events and feel uber stupid that they occur to me now. Oh, and I've been choking on Teflon pan fumes for the last hour because I'm such a dumb ass. I just feel bloody crazy and perfectly mad right now...
Dang, I am so very-extraordinary
PISSED OFF!!

She Goes

'Public' just isn't something I do well lately. Putting myself out there mingling with others can be harder some days more than others. These are those days.

This panic and dread run like a current of electricity deep in the depths of me. I'm a jellyfish. I feel the fool, cought in a momentarily stunned response during encounters with most social settings. My mind sets itself on fleeing, on evading what may be neccessary, and what should not be put off.

But there I go - off again... going as always.

Loco-motive

You'd be dismayed by the way my mood sashays around indifference. It is not placid, as it has nothing to do with tolerance or content. Indifference is a lack of any deep emotion, concern, or care. Today is stagnant and enemy of anything constructive. My moods flip switches and throw me off the rails time to time. The next junction could be an hour from now, the results a crash or pass. All I can do is look out the window.

Foul fowl

I've run into a bit of a problem concerning the sofa we planned to purchase. It unfortunately is made with feathers for part of the filler... and I'm allergic. I'm not sure how big of a deal it would be, or if I could do something to prevent a reaction, such as a special inner cover of some sort for said cushions. It is slipcovered which I'd prefer seeing I have dogs and would want to change it eventually. There is another style we are interested in which is leather. Would that be enough of a barrier? The models I speak of are the Ikea EKTORP and ARILD. Should I just try somewhere else?

The roadblock has dampened the excitement of replacing our current dilapidated couch. If anyone has suggestions or experience to offer please comment. I'd really appreciate a response immensely.

When in doubt, move the couch

After a long day of steam cleaning the living room furniture (and office carpet) the area appears quite a bit different. The furniture has been moved about and placed differently having the chance. Though my dog is not impressed with the layout, having removed easy access to the window, I believe it's immensely better than before. The sofa has seen better days, so worn and abused. Part of the frame was recently broken. The cushions are back-breaking misshapen from the weight of dogs, when perched on the back to enjoy the view of the yard. The mailman, passing neighbors, and my ringing ears are grateful for the prospect of peace and quiet. Things will be practically 'bark-free' for the next while.

We will be replacing the old lumpy couch with a brand new one (hopefully this weekend). This time I only want the dogs on it when we are. This will be a tad difficult (that's putting it lightly) seeing Amelie's affinity for climbing. She must have been a mountain goat in a former life the way she maneuvers her way upwards wherever possible with such confidence. The new improved sitting apparatus will be used for doing that alone, not adventure.

I'm such a softy, made so by her pout. She knows how to make my heart melt. None to worry, I'll be figuring out some solution to her entertainment dilemma. A temporary fix is already in place, and I plan on getting a stool or storage for her to prop herself up on. It ain't easy being small, after all. In fact I think that's how the couch got there in the first place.

Heated discussion

It seems I'm in the mood for a cool evening, seeing it's been a blazing hot day. Opening the door to let the dogs tip-toe out onto the biting hot pavement is a lot like opening an oven door and having heat hitting you in the face. Dang, that's hot!

I've shut the house up tight as a drum to keep the temperature down, though sure when my boyfriend gets home he'll insist whipping the doors and windows open.

"Air circulation" he'll say. To which I'll reply, "that's what the fans are for, darling. Really now, honestly..."