The answer is often found under the cap of a Jones Soda


'A new chapter in your life is being written'

Finally, after a lot of denial and avoidance on my part - I am switching meds. There is a riddle of reasons why. It had become hard to face the usual things. Like a neglected blog, stacks of dishes, piles of laundry, badly behaved dogs, my creative attempts seeming nothing more than a mess than art, friends drifting apart, the new white hair much like a cow-lick, wary of time to marry or nest as it's quickly passing.

I waited and contemplated (make that surrendered and endured) hoping I would snap out of this funk. I wanted to ride out the bad time as just another trip on life's moody roller coaster. An ache gnawed at my gut and the constant fear that I deserved the pain and guilt I was feeling. When I tried to move forward the motivation would wash away too quickly.

I stopped writing. I didn't feel interesting, just crazy. Obviously, because my life's full of wonderful people and good things. I found it hard to enjoy much when my brain was filled with self insult. I became tired all the time. I guess all that loathing and brooding was hard work. Instead of talking about it, I became silent. After all, I was under the impression there was nothing worthy to share. Who would listen when even I was exhausted by my own melodrama and complaints. I felt I failed and hated to admit it. Who wants to be a disappointment?

Yesterday I summoned the courage to see my Pdoc after so long. And with that a new regime begins. Changes to make things better and stop hiding. So here I am. And here is somewhere, isn't it?

But just what will the future hold for you? Get your handy under the cap fortune

3 comments:

jane said...

Here is absolutely somewhere. I'm so glad you've updated & that you're alright. You are definitely headed in the right direction.
Depression comes along so subtly, doesn't it? We're very fortunate when we see things for how they truly are & have the strength to work towards change.
I'm really happy for you. :)

gabbi said...

Thanks Jane. It hasn't been easy, even now I am up during the wee hours of morning anxious. Isn't it hard getting the brain to quiet? A Tums and Xanax later, I hope I finally wind down.

jane said...

My brain is NEVER quiet, I quit trying to get it to be.