The answer is often found under the cap of a Jones Soda

'A new chapter in your life is being written'

Finally, after a lot of denial and avoidance on my part - I am switching meds. There is a riddle of reasons why. It had become hard to face the usual things. Like a neglected blog, stacks of dishes, piles of laundry, badly behaved dogs, my creative attempts seeming nothing more than a mess than art, friends drifting apart, the new white hair much like a cow-lick, wary of time to marry or nest as it's quickly passing.

I waited and contemplated (make that surrendered and endured) hoping I would snap out of this funk. I wanted to ride out the bad time as just another trip on life's moody roller coaster. An ache gnawed at my gut and the constant fear that I deserved the pain and guilt I was feeling. When I tried to move forward the motivation would wash away too quickly.

I stopped writing. I didn't feel interesting, just crazy. Obviously, because my life's full of wonderful people and good things. I found it hard to enjoy much when my brain was filled with self insult. I became tired all the time. I guess all that loathing and brooding was hard work. Instead of talking about it, I became silent. After all, I was under the impression there was nothing worthy to share. Who would listen when even I was exhausted by my own melodrama and complaints. I felt I failed and hated to admit it. Who wants to be a disappointment?

Yesterday I summoned the courage to see my Pdoc after so long. And with that a new regime begins. Changes to make things better and stop hiding. So here I am. And here is somewhere, isn't it?

But just what will the future hold for you? Get your handy under the cap fortune


jane said...

Here is absolutely somewhere. I'm so glad you've updated & that you're alright. You are definitely headed in the right direction.
Depression comes along so subtly, doesn't it? We're very fortunate when we see things for how they truly are & have the strength to work towards change.
I'm really happy for you. :)

gabbi said...

Thanks Jane. It hasn't been easy, even now I am up during the wee hours of morning anxious. Isn't it hard getting the brain to quiet? A Tums and Xanax later, I hope I finally wind down.

jane said...

My brain is NEVER quiet, I quit trying to get it to be.