Making the grade

I keep having this dream...
I'm going to school and missed my English final. My major isn't English, if that matters in the scope of this nightly drama. It's the end of the school year and I've done nothing to find out about it. I assume I failed, so I just accept it without even trying to find out the particulars. Usually graduating and getting a diploma make me feel cold. In my dream it doesn't matter, worst I think it's pointless.

In real life it didn't seem to make much difference either. I'm no longer practicing a career in the field I chose. Not even similar. I gave up, gave in, bowed down, and backed away from the negative experience. People can be cruel. I hated the pretentiousness of it. I never fit in. It might as well been school, judging the behavior.

Unfortunately I carried that experience and let it shape my way of thinking. What little I did has now dwindled down to nothing. I couldn't muster the confidence required to go out there, in the great big world anyway. I dare say I have become less than a person, than a human being, and it bothers me. I have no respect for myself, so why would anyone else?

A lot of people think what a person does defines him or her. I guess that would give all this some meaning, wouldn't it?

1 comment:

jane said...

Everything you've said is so true. I find your dream interesting because I've had a similar dream for years. But in mine, I'm not graduating high school (which I didn't), but its so strange that after 30 years, I still have it. (btw, I did go & get my ged)

I'm not so sure that others measure us by what we do as much as we measure ourselves. I often feel the same way as you, Gabbi, but I think it's something more that I put on myself & assume others think that too. Do you think maybe you're doing the same?