I wake up early now, and my heart is in the day. I feel alive, then.

Yet as the day wears on I find my thoughts grow darker, and my hope hardly existent. Yeah, I'm being melodramatic, because I'm really feeling that way. Moody.

Sometimes I'm really not sure who the girl is standing in front of the mirror. She doesn't look like me, or aspire to the things I'd always wanted. So I sit, with my head cradled in my hands. Staring at the monitor, or the lamp, or the window. Just waiting for these moments to pass. I feel so detached. Isolated, but too uninspired to talk, meet with friends, dream a little.

I miss Kel, I miss the energy of our conversations. I miss feeling talented, interesting, having things to talk about. I try to remember what it was like to feel creative and pretty. I worry that girl, the one I was... is slipping away.


jane said...

I'm sorry to read that you're going thru such a tough time. Even though I've never been as beautiful as you, I can relate with all the things you've written. I have no magic words, but know by experience that this will pass & you'll find yourself smiling & laughing once more. I'll be thinking of you.

CP said...

She's still there, Gabbi. I promise.


Voices in my Head said...

wowwwww-i found your blog via Jane's--can i relate!!! i've been reading over ur posts and u sound so much like me, as in this post--and the one where u think ur nocturnal---i believe a lot of this is a physical condition--i am going to read more of your blog now--but it's nice to know i am not alone in how i think and act and feel.

jane said...

Hi Gabbi, just stopped by to say Hi & I hope you will post soon.

jane said...

Hi Gabbi, Stopping by again to say HI and hope you'll post soon.