Things were very different then

My friend is due back from her choir trip abroad. I've missed her so much. She really amazes me with her enthusiasm and dedication. She is one of those 'do everything' dynamos with so much energy.

She is a go-getter and wonderful person. She is all that and beautiful too (yet humble enough not to notice). Sometimes I'm jealous yet at the same time happy as hell for her. The phenomenal part is how young she is for her cognition.

We went to college together. We both trained in the same field. I wasn't cut out for it though, I gave up or gave in, I'm never sure which. Deep down I'm afraid we won't have anything to talk about when I finally do see her again. I wish I were interesting. What have I done with my life?

Ignorance is bliss
I've been doing some soul searching. That's been hard since thinking tends to depress me.

I'm missing my old self lately. I can't say my life was better way back when but certainly different. I felt smarter, prettier then, more capable. At least until I found out how little I mattered. These days I'm just not sure where I'm at. That isn't progress.

Living in fear
Last weekend I wanted to shrink inside myself and my hearts been fluttering ever since. It's hard to be small and unnoticable when you've become so big. I have a problem with being seen and of being an embarrassment.

For those who don't know me I'll have to explain for you to understand. I can thank my ex for enforcing that feeling. Imagine someone you spent half your life with, who never broke up with you so your still with, seeing you somewhere unexpectedly and practically pretending to barely know you at all in front of someone else.

Since then I've never been sure of reality. The paranoia comes and goes. All the things assumed or predictable about life just aren't. I don't trust my own reality. I kept thinking 'its all happened before and it will all happen again'. Other people seeing me or being seen with me terrifies me. It's so hard to deal with wondering how the world will react.

5 comments:

Kjersten said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've felt that way many times. It's horrible. Luckily I found medicine that worked for me and I haven't felt that way for a while now. You and your friend will get along great. You've lived and learned and could only have become more interesting. :)

Milt Bogs said...

Gabbi, I look for your posts. That's the only way I know you. I've seen the sad ones and I've seen the happier ones. What you write matters to me.

disso_k said...

Gabbi, I have a feeling that you and your old friend will get along just fine. When I was at uni I made friends with a wonderful woman. Over the years we drifted apart as we moved away from each other and our lives took different routes. Only this year we reestablished our friendship and we have become the best of friends again despite the physical distance between us (thank goodness for the internet). Have a great time reestablishing the friendship between you and your friend.

jane said...

Gabbi, she's your friend, no matter what paths your lives have taken, there's a bond you 2 share.
you're really hard on yourself, i'm the same way. i enjoy reading your posts. we judge ourselves from the inside & everybody else from the outside. they don't know our inside, think about that. you're more than okay gabbi, you're an amazing, beautiful woman...inside and outside.

Radin said...

The changes that we later regret usually come when we try to change ourselves for the sake of others especially those we love. After sometime we are not what we had been and worse thing is the person in question does not appreciate the change. We are left with something we are and yet is not our own self. We should appreciate ourselves for what we are and help others accept us as we are. Woww… say it again!! So do not worry, you will be alright with your friend and you will find yourself in time. Oh by the way I love your blog and think you are such a nice person.