She is a go-getter and wonderful person. She is all that and beautiful too (yet humble enough not to notice). Sometimes I'm jealous yet at the same time happy as hell for her. The phenomenal part is how young she is for her cognition.
We went to college together. We both trained in the same field. I wasn't cut out for it though, I gave up or gave in, I'm never sure which. Deep down I'm afraid we won't have anything to talk about when I finally do see her again. I wish I were interesting. What have I done with my life?
Ignorance is bliss
I've been doing some soul searching. That's been hard since thinking tends to depress me.
I'm missing my old self lately. I can't say my life was better way back when but certainly different. I felt smarter, prettier then, more capable. At least until I found out how little I mattered. These days I'm just not sure where I'm at. That isn't progress.
Living in fear
Last weekend I wanted to shrink inside myself and my hearts been fluttering ever since. It's hard to be small and unnoticable when you've become so big. I have a problem with being seen and of being an embarrassment.
For those who don't know me I'll have to explain for you to understand. I can thank my ex for enforcing that feeling. Imagine someone you spent half your life with, who never broke up with you so your still with, seeing you somewhere unexpectedly and practically pretending to barely know you at all in front of someone else.
Since then I've never been sure of reality. The paranoia comes and goes. All the things assumed or predictable about life just aren't. I don't trust my own reality. I kept thinking 'its all happened before and it will all happen again'. Other people seeing me or being seen with me terrifies me. It's so hard to deal with wondering how the world will react.