I must admit self loathing can be very taxing. Perhaps my brain is wired to create internal conflict. Whatever the reason, I'm certainly sick of it. Yesterday wasn't my best day and yet things looked brighter as the night grew late. I often wonder if other people have a time fixed disposition to anxiety and depressive episodes throughout the day.
I find it comforting and thank those who have sent me textual tid-bits. I've had a lot on my mind lately, plenty enough to furrow my brow at. Darling Speckles, our wayward dog requires surgery for mammary tumors I failed to recognize. The ugly truth is that I've done my best not to become emotionally tied to the old girl. I love her but it hurts to do so. Old age is certain loss, after all. So I focus on the mundane. The Endless shedding that creates tumble-weeds forming a hairy desert across our wooden floors. Her creative but appalling dookey habits (she's not only a poop machine but also chooses the most unlikely places such as flower beds, the eaves trough drain pipe, patio and sidewalks). Such incessant barking, rousing Amelie to do the same. Sometimes it a bit much. All that and my selfish angst over money going to the vet and not my dental problems Whether vanity or necessity - Guilt ensues.
On the glad side of things - my guy is buying our rental! We can finally do the things we've been longing. The bedroom is a dreadful shade of fuschia ( I actually can't come up with a real name for the color). I detest carpets, but certainly pink is the worst (even though it can be such an uplifting color in the right shade and setting). The room just never echoed either of our tastes, so the decor has been in limbo for the past few years. Renting a place requires no commitment and so that is what we gave it.
Our weekends have been scouring garden centres. Hunting for herbs and lusting over water features. Ah, some day... a backyard oasis. What I wouldn't do to be the nature-loving tomboy of my youth. I dare say bugs have frightened me to death ever since puberty.
Perhaps that's just part of being a girl.