...
When it's late at night I can hear my computer chomping on bytes, as it takes it's sweet time doing the simplest tasks. Maybe it's tired, and it's brain is hurting and that's it's way of cussing. Hmmm.
Crash
OK. I'm finally totally hating this up all night thing.
I feel strange, as if sensing impending doom. I know that sounds paranoid, tense, deranged. Perhaps it is. Then again, maybe it isn't.
I'd rather not feel like this. The truth is I'm not fond of roaming about night after night, it's really lonely and dull. Now I just hate it, hate it immensely. The days don't look any brighter. Being awake is just as depressing as sleep. Really unhappy for me.
I feel strange, as if sensing impending doom. I know that sounds paranoid, tense, deranged. Perhaps it is. Then again, maybe it isn't.
I'd rather not feel like this. The truth is I'm not fond of roaming about night after night, it's really lonely and dull. Now I just hate it, hate it immensely. The days don't look any brighter. Being awake is just as depressing as sleep. Really unhappy for me.
Night Keeper
Ever been home-sick?
Well, I've been ever so, heart rending days-gone-by blue.
I fret at night instead of sleep. I ache with lonesome these nights. Dreams just remind me of my faults and failures. If they only had a pill to stop them, I'd be happy. So I stay awake as much as I can until bed wins. When all I'm able to notice is how the sheets feel good between my toes and I'm too tired to think for too long.
Tonight... I'm lamenting over what's been missing from my life, the way people were, how I was, that sort of thing. I miss my dearest friend and the times we had together. I miss how things were between my beau and me. I miss how I thought about myself.
All while good people are asleep and dreaming.
Well, I've been ever so, heart rending days-gone-by blue.
I fret at night instead of sleep. I ache with lonesome these nights. Dreams just remind me of my faults and failures. If they only had a pill to stop them, I'd be happy. So I stay awake as much as I can until bed wins. When all I'm able to notice is how the sheets feel good between my toes and I'm too tired to think for too long.
Tonight... I'm lamenting over what's been missing from my life, the way people were, how I was, that sort of thing. I miss my dearest friend and the times we had together. I miss how things were between my beau and me. I miss how I thought about myself.
All while good people are asleep and dreaming.
Night After Night
I've been up frittering away the hours of darkness on my computer while those around me sleep fairly restfully. I'm in such envy of it. After a week of self inflicted night shifts operating in my own lonely hell, I feel alienated and cheated.
I just despise the dreams that come when my head finally hits the pillow, after I pop a pill hoping my madness will go away. It's taken as though it will cure my ill. But it doesn't.
So far the outlooks is dim and night has just begun. But I'll hope for hopes sake. To nod off soundly and wake to a day without the fuzzy edges and blurry thoughts that the medicine creates. That tomorrow evening I'll be much more like everybody else and not here again complaining to myself.
I read a blog entry from Matthew Good and he says it better than I ever could.
I just despise the dreams that come when my head finally hits the pillow, after I pop a pill hoping my madness will go away. It's taken as though it will cure my ill. But it doesn't.
So far the outlooks is dim and night has just begun. But I'll hope for hopes sake. To nod off soundly and wake to a day without the fuzzy edges and blurry thoughts that the medicine creates. That tomorrow evening I'll be much more like everybody else and not here again complaining to myself.
I read a blog entry from Matthew Good and he says it better than I ever could.
Goldilocks And The Hero Pappa Bear
Last night I refused to fall asleep. At least until my brain stopped nattering on and on in the background. When I finally went to bed it was 6AM and even then I had to take something to do so.
Well, this afternoon I woke up with a jolt to banging on the back door, a bit frightened by it's urgency I went to answer. If I wasn't familiar with my neighboring Father's abrasive manner I would have been more hesitant. That's Confusing, giving the nature of the visit.
While still in a groggy state he began his rant while I stood stunned, as always, making him more agitated. When I finally got a word in to tell him to back up and start over I was able to make sense of the cussing.
While in his own yard he'd noticed a man in our backyard left both gates wide open, which is problematic seeing the dogs would take leave if left out. Another neighbor noticed how creepy he was acting and leering about. When he confronted this unknown individual - this vagrant had taken our bags of bottles to his stereotypical shopping cart. Fine and dandy but they were in our fenced yard, out of view! A no go zone, if you will. After the intruder lied and said we told him to take them my Dad gave him an earful of 'what for', sending him on his way.
All this while I lay napping! I'm Grateful that my door wasn't open per usual during this strangers investigation of the premises. My space felt threatened and I'm thankful for once that my pops was nosy and overbearing.
Did I say "its ever so nice having a Daddy nearby to chase the oh scary things away"?
Well, this afternoon I woke up with a jolt to banging on the back door, a bit frightened by it's urgency I went to answer. If I wasn't familiar with my neighboring Father's abrasive manner I would have been more hesitant. That's Confusing, giving the nature of the visit.
While still in a groggy state he began his rant while I stood stunned, as always, making him more agitated. When I finally got a word in to tell him to back up and start over I was able to make sense of the cussing.
While in his own yard he'd noticed a man in our backyard left both gates wide open, which is problematic seeing the dogs would take leave if left out. Another neighbor noticed how creepy he was acting and leering about. When he confronted this unknown individual - this vagrant had taken our bags of bottles to his stereotypical shopping cart. Fine and dandy but they were in our fenced yard, out of view! A no go zone, if you will. After the intruder lied and said we told him to take them my Dad gave him an earful of 'what for', sending him on his way.
All this while I lay napping! I'm Grateful that my door wasn't open per usual during this strangers investigation of the premises. My space felt threatened and I'm thankful for once that my pops was nosy and overbearing.
Did I say "its ever so nice having a Daddy nearby to chase the oh scary things away"?
Lemonade and Epitaphs
It's a perfectly sunny day that insists on being enjoyed. Since it's already September and fall is on the horizon, it best not go to waste. Gotta do the outdoorsy thing while you can. Time for a cool drink with a shovel in hand, as I myself have some grave raiding to do. Allow me a moment while I attempt to unearth this tale for you...
Our front yard has attained a few new features this summer. Each year we like to add to our landscaping extraveganza. Amongst the new trees and bushes, butterfly garden, greenery and ornamental grasses, we decided our lawn deserved something special. Nothing like we planned, but I guess it does have an air of tranquility and mystery. After all, nothing says country cottage better than a pile of rocky dirt, reminecent of a traditional looking homestyle grave, now does it? OK, maybe it is missing a body BUT its still an eyefull none the less. Heck, I'm still raving about it, aren't I?
What began with such a simple idea for a rock garden, meant to fill an awkward dent in our lawn, turned into a human sized wreck over the course of the summer. Recycling old sod remnants (that I suppose could represent the deceased) to try and fill the un-level lawn might not have been the best idea. It ended up looking more mound-like than anticipated. Adding the mini boulders kept it rustic but didn't explain the perpose of our project as much as they should have. Worst was realizing it had become a massive ant hill, and being evicted by the new tempermental residents. My planting ended in an early retreat. So instead of a succulent oasis, we now have a creepy looking marker for those strolling past our home.
Needless to say, the neighbours haven't said anything about our latest attempt at curb appeal, though I'm sure the odd wondering dog likes to pay it's respect. I however, have yet to make any peace with it.
Our front yard has attained a few new features this summer. Each year we like to add to our landscaping extraveganza. Amongst the new trees and bushes, butterfly garden, greenery and ornamental grasses, we decided our lawn deserved something special. Nothing like we planned, but I guess it does have an air of tranquility and mystery. After all, nothing says country cottage better than a pile of rocky dirt, reminecent of a traditional looking homestyle grave, now does it? OK, maybe it is missing a body BUT its still an eyefull none the less. Heck, I'm still raving about it, aren't I?
What began with such a simple idea for a rock garden, meant to fill an awkward dent in our lawn, turned into a human sized wreck over the course of the summer. Recycling old sod remnants (that I suppose could represent the deceased) to try and fill the un-level lawn might not have been the best idea. It ended up looking more mound-like than anticipated. Adding the mini boulders kept it rustic but didn't explain the perpose of our project as much as they should have. Worst was realizing it had become a massive ant hill, and being evicted by the new tempermental residents. My planting ended in an early retreat. So instead of a succulent oasis, we now have a creepy looking marker for those strolling past our home.
Needless to say, the neighbours haven't said anything about our latest attempt at curb appeal, though I'm sure the odd wondering dog likes to pay it's respect. I however, have yet to make any peace with it.
Cheddar is better
So starts a slump day following a tumultuous night.
My throat feels like I swallowed a giant sized panda, which is hard to bear I'd say (not sure where that pun came from).
Up too late with little sleep and too much cheese, my dreams were so very frightening! I closed my eyes to spy the treachery brought on by pink wailing babes, hell bent on murdering their newborn kin. I doubt horror writers could conceive such terrible things. I'll quote myself saying "...some people are born evil" for why I witnessed such disturbing nocturnal events. These imaginings lead me to believe Swiss cheese may perhaps be the work of the devil, or at least a midnight snacking of regret. I dare say.
My throat feels like I swallowed a giant sized panda, which is hard to bear I'd say (not sure where that pun came from).
Up too late with little sleep and too much cheese, my dreams were so very frightening! I closed my eyes to spy the treachery brought on by pink wailing babes, hell bent on murdering their newborn kin. I doubt horror writers could conceive such terrible things. I'll quote myself saying "...some people are born evil" for why I witnessed such disturbing nocturnal events. These imaginings lead me to believe Swiss cheese may perhaps be the work of the devil, or at least a midnight snacking of regret. I dare say.
What have I been up to?
Some may wonder what I've been doing. My artsy whims aren't the easiest to track. Often I find myself going in more than one direction, riding the free sail of an art spirit arriving wherever inspiration takes me. I paint, I design, from there I grow.
I love to see other peoples creative renderings just as much as making my own. That is what brought me to Etsy. I just love the unpretentious, unadulterated expression of this craft community! Not only was setting up my own shop a perfect oppurtunity to make the cash I need to pursuit my illustration venue (I'm in desperate need of new software), it also allowed me to help others get their businesses off the ground. It's wonderful to be able to work at my own pace alongside such remarkable people. Art comes in so many forms!
Often one type of work leads into another. From there I began designing blogs and websites. There is nothing nicer than being able to help someones literary musings or objects of interest to truly shine.
I love to see other peoples creative renderings just as much as making my own. That is what brought me to Etsy. I just love the unpretentious, unadulterated expression of this craft community! Not only was setting up my own shop a perfect oppurtunity to make the cash I need to pursuit my illustration venue (I'm in desperate need of new software), it also allowed me to help others get their businesses off the ground. It's wonderful to be able to work at my own pace alongside such remarkable people. Art comes in so many forms!
Often one type of work leads into another. From there I began designing blogs and websites. There is nothing nicer than being able to help someones literary musings or objects of interest to truly shine.
Presence
Life has been virtually the same. I have my off days, my better than most days - just like before. The only thing I've added to the mix is a tidbit of creative work in a community setting and it's made me feel better about myself.
I have to keep my work load low to keep the stress level down because I still have the uncanny ability to fall apart easily. I try not to self evaluate and accept that nature, cope and not negate. I'm getting somewhere even if its in my own time.
I'm reminded how important my blog friends have been. How nice it is to be thought of (thanks Jane) and the sense of history and sharing correspondence creates. I read more than I write these days. I sort of fear the introspection involved. Sometimes thinking pains me, silly as that may seem. But I realize putting myself out there is a step I cannot miss. To include it will make me whole. That to care and be cared about is a certain need for myself as it is for anyone. Thus, I am revisiting my published identity.
I'll put my first tell out there and let you in on a personal feeling of late. I am saddened how distant my in the flesh friends have been. Certainly life evolves and relationships change but I'm finally giving myself permission to feel slighted by the lack of contact they have had. Just an email or instant message is all it would take to keep ties. I'm not much for out and abouts but they could still keep in touch. I feel slighted, there it is in black and white.
Feeling productive and having my talents appreciated has given me the sense of self worth I've been lacking in one area of my life. Perhaps I'll expect more from the rest as well.
I have to keep my work load low to keep the stress level down because I still have the uncanny ability to fall apart easily. I try not to self evaluate and accept that nature, cope and not negate. I'm getting somewhere even if its in my own time.
I'm reminded how important my blog friends have been. How nice it is to be thought of (thanks Jane) and the sense of history and sharing correspondence creates. I read more than I write these days. I sort of fear the introspection involved. Sometimes thinking pains me, silly as that may seem. But I realize putting myself out there is a step I cannot miss. To include it will make me whole. That to care and be cared about is a certain need for myself as it is for anyone. Thus, I am revisiting my published identity.
I'll put my first tell out there and let you in on a personal feeling of late. I am saddened how distant my in the flesh friends have been. Certainly life evolves and relationships change but I'm finally giving myself permission to feel slighted by the lack of contact they have had. Just an email or instant message is all it would take to keep ties. I'm not much for out and abouts but they could still keep in touch. I feel slighted, there it is in black and white.
Feeling productive and having my talents appreciated has given me the sense of self worth I've been lacking in one area of my life. Perhaps I'll expect more from the rest as well.
Into the void
I'm having an uncreative day, which is not a productive attribute for an artist. Then there is the business side of it all that could stand my attention. That too is super hard to pour myself into while in this currently bland head space.
What does one do to stir the senses? Is there a way to inspire, making opportune moments of productivity instead of this blankly staring kind?
What does one do to stir the senses? Is there a way to inspire, making opportune moments of productivity instead of this blankly staring kind?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)