Not my words (but my sentiment exactly)
It was difficult to choose which entry to share when I happened apon this insightful blog of the talented margaret cho
Gaps... Lots of them
All that I know is... I went to bed with a tooth. Now most of it is absent. This is ridiculous already! I'm sick of the dentist. Certainly can't afford another round. I was waiting for enough money to get my partial (finally). Now I have to get this fragment pulled, and God knows what else! Being self-conscious has gotten ten times worse overnight.
At this rate I'm never leaving the house. I would probably cry but I think my emotions are spent. Numb or defeated, take your pick.
Amelie finally got her 'home style' haircut. It's brought out the puppy in her. I'd smile but I haven't one available to me at the moment, *so very funny*.
I need to get a refill on my meds, and make a shrink appointment. I haven't been since end of last year, I think. I've been avoiding a visit simply because happy or sad, I don't have it in me. Call me courageous. Can you *feel the sarcasm?*.
At this rate I'm never leaving the house. I would probably cry but I think my emotions are spent. Numb or defeated, take your pick.
Amelie finally got her 'home style' haircut. It's brought out the puppy in her. I'd smile but I haven't one available to me at the moment, *so very funny*.
I need to get a refill on my meds, and make a shrink appointment. I haven't been since end of last year, I think. I've been avoiding a visit simply because happy or sad, I don't have it in me. Call me courageous. Can you *feel the sarcasm?*.
Reflection
I wake up early now, and my heart is in the day. I feel alive, then.
Yet as the day wears on I find my thoughts grow darker, and my hope hardly existent. Yeah, I'm being melodramatic, because I'm really feeling that way. Moody.
Sometimes I'm really not sure who the girl is standing in front of the mirror. She doesn't look like me, or aspire to the things I'd always wanted. So I sit, with my head cradled in my hands. Staring at the monitor, or the lamp, or the window. Just waiting for these moments to pass. I feel so detached. Isolated, but too uninspired to talk, meet with friends, dream a little.
I miss Kel, I miss the energy of our conversations. I miss feeling talented, interesting, having things to talk about. I try to remember what it was like to feel creative and pretty. I worry that girl, the one I was... is slipping away.
Yet as the day wears on I find my thoughts grow darker, and my hope hardly existent. Yeah, I'm being melodramatic, because I'm really feeling that way. Moody.
Sometimes I'm really not sure who the girl is standing in front of the mirror. She doesn't look like me, or aspire to the things I'd always wanted. So I sit, with my head cradled in my hands. Staring at the monitor, or the lamp, or the window. Just waiting for these moments to pass. I feel so detached. Isolated, but too uninspired to talk, meet with friends, dream a little.
I miss Kel, I miss the energy of our conversations. I miss feeling talented, interesting, having things to talk about. I try to remember what it was like to feel creative and pretty. I worry that girl, the one I was... is slipping away.
Almost famous
My sister writes the most amazing stories. To convince her that she is indeed quote worthy I'll share a favorite nibble of one of her fabulous tales...
"She only broke out the lemon icing when she felt she was swimming in seriously choppy waters. Lemon icing was reserved for inconsolable children and small cracks that surface in good friendships." ~ Bobbie K. ~
I'm a creep
I haven't posted for so long. Mostly, I've been busy procrastinating (haha) at cute overload cooing and awing my day away.
I'm down for the count with a cold and stupidly took a cough suppressant, giving a serotonin syndrome like experience. Oops. Actually it reminds me of antidepressants withdrawal which is sooo odd. My vision is choppy, I can't move or I get dizzy, and most of all the shoom-shooms (I call them this because it's a strange feeling in the head that reminds me of a car whizzing by at close range) add to my cold symptoms.
I also had the worst dream. A different twist but still the same outcome. I just read an article that over-dreaming and depression are significantly linked. Tell me about it. They just make me hate myself more, so then I have to spend the waking part of the day trying to convince myself that life isn't hopeless. Dreary, indeed.
Even more pleasant... My pooches got into the garbage to the point there was nothing left in the trash bag. Haha mommy, sooo funny. Argg! Boy, I just love cleaning messes up more than once, don't you?
I'm down for the count with a cold and stupidly took a cough suppressant, giving a serotonin syndrome like experience. Oops. Actually it reminds me of antidepressants withdrawal which is sooo odd. My vision is choppy, I can't move or I get dizzy, and most of all the shoom-shooms (I call them this because it's a strange feeling in the head that reminds me of a car whizzing by at close range) add to my cold symptoms.
I also had the worst dream. A different twist but still the same outcome. I just read an article that over-dreaming and depression are significantly linked. Tell me about it. They just make me hate myself more, so then I have to spend the waking part of the day trying to convince myself that life isn't hopeless. Dreary, indeed.
Even more pleasant... My pooches got into the garbage to the point there was nothing left in the trash bag. Haha mommy, sooo funny. Argg! Boy, I just love cleaning messes up more than once, don't you?
Rest is history
Sleepy headI think I'm nocturnal. That must be it. The only time I feel alive is at night. I haven't posted in eons... figuring I'd bore myself and everyone else to tears with my lack of enthusiasm. Excuse me when I'm yawning. Nobody gets what it can be like having sleep issues, unless they themselves had the experience. Even then, nobody knows how it feels to be me. Thank your lucky stars and dreams for that one.
Dressing up doggy
I am not one of those people who enjoy watching less than domestic variety animals trained to do stupid tricks. I have a sour expression on my face if I happen to come across clips of bears in tutus or elephants balancing on one leg. Humility for a few laughs. Where do we humans get off? Nothing amuses me about a chimp in any attire, I mean, unless they really want to wear the funny hat(primates have an eye for fashion).This topic came after a trip to the pet store this weekend.
The canine clothing debate
Well, for me there is no argument. Let the dog have clothes! Now, if 'Sparky' has an aversion to plaid or knits then by all means let the naked dog be. But what I found, while wandering the aisles and waiting to pay in a blessedly ever long line-up (gosh, Saturdays must be animal errand day) is that the majority of dogs turn out to be divas.
I couldn't help but notice the puppy posing in a winter jacket wagging hello tp her counterparts once inside, or the sporty sweaters being pawed at the racks by pooch loving humans. How could I not be aware of the little dog running merrily about in a Santa hat (honestly, beyond belief the dog seemed smitten with it). Even our neighbors fur-boy 'Cruiser' has been spotted in a yellow rain slicker enjoying an otherwise foul weathered walk.
I people, dare to tell you the truth... Amelie is among those fur-babies with a wardrobe (much to her 'daddy's' embarrassment and chagrin). It started with a t-shirt to keep her from nipping at her stitches when she was 'fixed' (a more compassionate approach compared to donning the detestable 'cone' and bumping about) And thus, doggy dressing began... she took to it like a duck to water. I thought at first she might be annoyed or self conscious (not only a human trait! Witness a dog in a bad hair cut and you'll see what I mean).
Yes, before that first article of true clothing she did accessorize. The odd bow clipping her bangs back (purely functional in reason of course). Indeed! I decided to proceed in light of her easy going reaction. So with winter here and blustery evening strolls with her pop, I say with affection that she struts her stuff in more than her own furry coat.
She doesn't run away or fuss when being buttoned up like most kids do. She jumps with glee ready to bundle up in her very own ruby red jacket, and I think that's more than about just being warm...
don't you?
The canine clothing debate
Well, for me there is no argument. Let the dog have clothes! Now, if 'Sparky' has an aversion to plaid or knits then by all means let the naked dog be. But what I found, while wandering the aisles and waiting to pay in a blessedly ever long line-up (gosh, Saturdays must be animal errand day) is that the majority of dogs turn out to be divas.
I couldn't help but notice the puppy posing in a winter jacket wagging hello tp her counterparts once inside, or the sporty sweaters being pawed at the racks by pooch loving humans. How could I not be aware of the little dog running merrily about in a Santa hat (honestly, beyond belief the dog seemed smitten with it). Even our neighbors fur-boy 'Cruiser' has been spotted in a yellow rain slicker enjoying an otherwise foul weathered walk.
I people, dare to tell you the truth... Amelie is among those fur-babies with a wardrobe (much to her 'daddy's' embarrassment and chagrin). It started with a t-shirt to keep her from nipping at her stitches when she was 'fixed' (a more compassionate approach compared to donning the detestable 'cone' and bumping about) And thus, doggy dressing began... she took to it like a duck to water. I thought at first she might be annoyed or self conscious (not only a human trait! Witness a dog in a bad hair cut and you'll see what I mean).
Yes, before that first article of true clothing she did accessorize. The odd bow clipping her bangs back (purely functional in reason of course). Indeed! I decided to proceed in light of her easy going reaction. So with winter here and blustery evening strolls with her pop, I say with affection that she struts her stuff in more than her own furry coat.
She doesn't run away or fuss when being buttoned up like most kids do. She jumps with glee ready to bundle up in her very own ruby red jacket, and I think that's more than about just being warm...
don't you?
Every little thing
It's been nearly I week since switching back to the real deal. I think the brand name wellbutrin (non generic) keeps my appetite under control and is starting to clear my head. I don't graze as much or get an extra helping. I'm not get those crazy cravings. My mood is better today than it has been for quite awhile.
Soul searching, I've become aware of what a martyr I really am, sabotaging my own happiness. It has to stop. I worked at recovering positive memories while waiting for a good nights rest to claim me last night. I think that helped. My memory isn't an easy access, nothing at the forefront during the time I've been medicated. I think the stuff before that I engraved in my mind so its harder to forget.
I'm having a horrible time with what I assume to be asthma lately. I'm just not getting air without that heaviness in my chest. I'm so drugged or groggy that I can't remember what I'm doing (thus being diverted), what show I was watching during a commercial, answers to questions I've asked. I didn't take my xanax today, and I still find myself tired. Caffeine isn't cutting it these days.
Time for a nap or energy drink. What do you think?
Oh, Amelie sends her lickity kisses to those who are wondering how she's been. The new dog (Speckles) has Ams back up a bit. Her attention has been elsewhere, while she tends to her rival. As mom, I've been busy reffing the two since my last blog entry.
Soul searching, I've become aware of what a martyr I really am, sabotaging my own happiness. It has to stop. I worked at recovering positive memories while waiting for a good nights rest to claim me last night. I think that helped. My memory isn't an easy access, nothing at the forefront during the time I've been medicated. I think the stuff before that I engraved in my mind so its harder to forget.
I'm having a horrible time with what I assume to be asthma lately. I'm just not getting air without that heaviness in my chest. I'm so drugged or groggy that I can't remember what I'm doing (thus being diverted), what show I was watching during a commercial, answers to questions I've asked. I didn't take my xanax today, and I still find myself tired. Caffeine isn't cutting it these days.
Time for a nap or energy drink. What do you think?
Oh, Amelie sends her lickity kisses to those who are wondering how she's been. The new dog (Speckles) has Ams back up a bit. Her attention has been elsewhere, while she tends to her rival. As mom, I've been busy reffing the two since my last blog entry.
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