I'm a buzz with millions of ideas. Plans and endeavors that unfortunately never get off the ground. Sometimes it's due to being sidetracked, lack of motivation, perhaps even sensibility once and awhile. I've come up with many a crazy scheme, luckily the worst never coming to fruition. I assume these thought patterns are born of an unsettled creative mind.
I wish I would apply myself and nurture my artistic nature. I find myself a repressed artist stinting my own success via fear and lack of confidence. No longer actualization tactile projects. Leaving no evidence to prove my abilities.
Swinging back and forth, I wonder... If I once had it in me - is it still there, laying dormant just waiting for ignition? Or, has it wilted. Will it fade away? Am I in some funk that will eventually pass, Just in need of a spark? The flames of creativity taking hold so I may make art once more.
Arf-ism
Barking dogs and early mornings seem to coincide these days.
I'm sure the dogs feel they are doing the block some great service, just as I'm sure the neighbors disagree. Lately my holy terrors bark TOO much. I'd say I've heard plenty from my two canines in the past week, enough to last a life time. One WOOF too many!
These days they'll bark at virtually anything. Heck, more times than not I'd guess it results from an over active imagination. Such excessive vocal outbursts, I've found myself at my wits end.
The big problem I'm having is that they don't listen to me as much as I get to listen to them. I guess they're more human than we give them credit... As if that is always a good thing.
I'm sure the dogs feel they are doing the block some great service, just as I'm sure the neighbors disagree. Lately my holy terrors bark TOO much. I'd say I've heard plenty from my two canines in the past week, enough to last a life time. One WOOF too many!
These days they'll bark at virtually anything. Heck, more times than not I'd guess it results from an over active imagination. Such excessive vocal outbursts, I've found myself at my wits end.
The big problem I'm having is that they don't listen to me as much as I get to listen to them. I guess they're more human than we give them credit... As if that is always a good thing.
All in the family
I picked out some gorgeous tree-like shrubs for my parents yard for Fathers Day. I wanted to get something lovely that would last, longer than either of us hopefully. It represents growth and maturity. Something that would be all the more endearing with each passing year. With age I've realized how much my family means to me.
We didn't always get along, me and dear old dad. In fact sometimes we still get our backs up, but usually remember to divert from such toxic topics before conversations turn ugly. Now that I'm older I've become less stubborn. I know well enough to back down and take things like a grain of salt. Let by-gones be by-gones. My past rolls off my back, resentment diluted. Life becomes more fragile with age and is no longer taken for granted. What precious times left will be good on my watch.
Inclinations of the amalgamate kind
Ever see a dog wag it's tail while asleep? Must be one helluva dream!
Yesterday felt rather productive. I tackled those things most avoided. Some of the least pleasant tasks are behind me, for the time being. Take away the harrowing run-in with a brown beastly spider, and I'd say it was a good day.
My pancreas has been giving me a nudge for the last couple of days. Angry at Advil or junk food, it's been waking me up at night. I've no plan on going to a doctor however, aware that there is little they can do. Maybe one day it's protest will cause me to mend my ways. Until then, I'll pretend I'm the boss of it. Perhaps a fool, but my body has had it's share of problems. Nothing new here. Carry on as always.
What a lovely visit I had with my Mom and the dogs! Have I ever posted a pic of my awfully adorable little lions? I swear you'll never see anything sweeter! Tatter-ann and Chinny-wah (devilish nicknames) are a sight to behold. If I ever get my shit together I'll put up a merry lot of photos. Goodness, but I'm full of promises, aren't I?
You cannot fault good intentions.
Yesterday felt rather productive. I tackled those things most avoided. Some of the least pleasant tasks are behind me, for the time being. Take away the harrowing run-in with a brown beastly spider, and I'd say it was a good day.
My pancreas has been giving me a nudge for the last couple of days. Angry at Advil or junk food, it's been waking me up at night. I've no plan on going to a doctor however, aware that there is little they can do. Maybe one day it's protest will cause me to mend my ways. Until then, I'll pretend I'm the boss of it. Perhaps a fool, but my body has had it's share of problems. Nothing new here. Carry on as always.
What a lovely visit I had with my Mom and the dogs! Have I ever posted a pic of my awfully adorable little lions? I swear you'll never see anything sweeter! Tatter-ann and Chinny-wah (devilish nicknames) are a sight to behold. If I ever get my shit together I'll put up a merry lot of photos. Goodness, but I'm full of promises, aren't I?
You cannot fault good intentions.
Forecast
This morning I woke up to rain, rain, lots of it. The dogs hate it, though I'm not sure why seeing it's messy, wet, surely a match made in heaven. I however, love the rain! I wilt on hot summer days, but give me a cool shower burst to break from the heat and I'm good to go! Don't forget the beautiful moment the sun appears. The twinkling heavy dewdrops clinging to every blade of grass creating a lush crystal green carpet. Stale air becomes fresh again. Sweet and fragrant.
I think the only thing better than an afternoon drizzle is an evening storm. A real delight during movie night. The neon glare of street lights reflecting from slick black puddles on the pavement. The muffled sound of downpour dancing on the rooftop. Somehow snuggling indoors becomes a fond event, finding comfort between the pane of glass seperating ones self from the torrent. That once 'ever so noisy' furnace becomes a soothing hum as the night wears on.
I'd guess its about being grateful. For the wash of water that makes things new again. For the caress of a cool breeze and wet kiss-like raindrops. Finally taking notice how the world looks brighter when the clouds finally part.
It all depends on how you look at it.
I think the only thing better than an afternoon drizzle is an evening storm. A real delight during movie night. The neon glare of street lights reflecting from slick black puddles on the pavement. The muffled sound of downpour dancing on the rooftop. Somehow snuggling indoors becomes a fond event, finding comfort between the pane of glass seperating ones self from the torrent. That once 'ever so noisy' furnace becomes a soothing hum as the night wears on.
I'd guess its about being grateful. For the wash of water that makes things new again. For the caress of a cool breeze and wet kiss-like raindrops. Finally taking notice how the world looks brighter when the clouds finally part.
It all depends on how you look at it.
lately...
I must admit self loathing can be very taxing. Perhaps my brain is wired to create internal conflict. Whatever the reason, I'm certainly sick of it. Yesterday wasn't my best day and yet things looked brighter as the night grew late. I often wonder if other people have a time fixed disposition to anxiety and depressive episodes throughout the day.
I find it comforting and thank those who have sent me textual tid-bits. I've had a lot on my mind lately, plenty enough to furrow my brow at. Darling Speckles, our wayward dog requires surgery for mammary tumors I failed to recognize. The ugly truth is that I've done my best not to become emotionally tied to the old girl. I love her but it hurts to do so. Old age is certain loss, after all. So I focus on the mundane. The Endless shedding that creates tumble-weeds forming a hairy desert across our wooden floors. Her creative but appalling dookey habits (she's not only a poop machine but also chooses the most unlikely places such as flower beds, the eaves trough drain pipe, patio and sidewalks). Such incessant barking, rousing Amelie to do the same. Sometimes it a bit much. All that and my selfish angst over money going to the vet and not my dental problems Whether vanity or necessity - Guilt ensues.
On the glad side of things - my guy is buying our rental! We can finally do the things we've been longing. The bedroom is a dreadful shade of fuschia ( I actually can't come up with a real name for the color). I detest carpets, but certainly pink is the worst (even though it can be such an uplifting color in the right shade and setting). The room just never echoed either of our tastes, so the decor has been in limbo for the past few years. Renting a place requires no commitment and so that is what we gave it.
Our weekends have been scouring garden centres. Hunting for herbs and lusting over water features. Ah, some day... a backyard oasis. What I wouldn't do to be the nature-loving tomboy of my youth. I dare say bugs have frightened me to death ever since puberty.
Perhaps that's just part of being a girl.
I find it comforting and thank those who have sent me textual tid-bits. I've had a lot on my mind lately, plenty enough to furrow my brow at. Darling Speckles, our wayward dog requires surgery for mammary tumors I failed to recognize. The ugly truth is that I've done my best not to become emotionally tied to the old girl. I love her but it hurts to do so. Old age is certain loss, after all. So I focus on the mundane. The Endless shedding that creates tumble-weeds forming a hairy desert across our wooden floors. Her creative but appalling dookey habits (she's not only a poop machine but also chooses the most unlikely places such as flower beds, the eaves trough drain pipe, patio and sidewalks). Such incessant barking, rousing Amelie to do the same. Sometimes it a bit much. All that and my selfish angst over money going to the vet and not my dental problems Whether vanity or necessity - Guilt ensues.
On the glad side of things - my guy is buying our rental! We can finally do the things we've been longing. The bedroom is a dreadful shade of fuschia ( I actually can't come up with a real name for the color). I detest carpets, but certainly pink is the worst (even though it can be such an uplifting color in the right shade and setting). The room just never echoed either of our tastes, so the decor has been in limbo for the past few years. Renting a place requires no commitment and so that is what we gave it.
Our weekends have been scouring garden centres. Hunting for herbs and lusting over water features. Ah, some day... a backyard oasis. What I wouldn't do to be the nature-loving tomboy of my youth. I dare say bugs have frightened me to death ever since puberty.
Perhaps that's just part of being a girl.
tragic loss
I wrote a fantastic post only for it to disappear.
Don't you hate that?
I'll go pout now...
Not my words (but my sentiment exactly)
It was difficult to choose which entry to share when I happened apon this insightful blog of the talented margaret cho
Gaps... Lots of them
All that I know is... I went to bed with a tooth. Now most of it is absent. This is ridiculous already! I'm sick of the dentist. Certainly can't afford another round. I was waiting for enough money to get my partial (finally). Now I have to get this fragment pulled, and God knows what else! Being self-conscious has gotten ten times worse overnight.
At this rate I'm never leaving the house. I would probably cry but I think my emotions are spent. Numb or defeated, take your pick.
Amelie finally got her 'home style' haircut. It's brought out the puppy in her. I'd smile but I haven't one available to me at the moment, *so very funny*.
I need to get a refill on my meds, and make a shrink appointment. I haven't been since end of last year, I think. I've been avoiding a visit simply because happy or sad, I don't have it in me. Call me courageous. Can you *feel the sarcasm?*.
At this rate I'm never leaving the house. I would probably cry but I think my emotions are spent. Numb or defeated, take your pick.
Amelie finally got her 'home style' haircut. It's brought out the puppy in her. I'd smile but I haven't one available to me at the moment, *so very funny*.
I need to get a refill on my meds, and make a shrink appointment. I haven't been since end of last year, I think. I've been avoiding a visit simply because happy or sad, I don't have it in me. Call me courageous. Can you *feel the sarcasm?*.
Reflection
I wake up early now, and my heart is in the day. I feel alive, then.
Yet as the day wears on I find my thoughts grow darker, and my hope hardly existent. Yeah, I'm being melodramatic, because I'm really feeling that way. Moody.
Sometimes I'm really not sure who the girl is standing in front of the mirror. She doesn't look like me, or aspire to the things I'd always wanted. So I sit, with my head cradled in my hands. Staring at the monitor, or the lamp, or the window. Just waiting for these moments to pass. I feel so detached. Isolated, but too uninspired to talk, meet with friends, dream a little.
I miss Kel, I miss the energy of our conversations. I miss feeling talented, interesting, having things to talk about. I try to remember what it was like to feel creative and pretty. I worry that girl, the one I was... is slipping away.
Yet as the day wears on I find my thoughts grow darker, and my hope hardly existent. Yeah, I'm being melodramatic, because I'm really feeling that way. Moody.
Sometimes I'm really not sure who the girl is standing in front of the mirror. She doesn't look like me, or aspire to the things I'd always wanted. So I sit, with my head cradled in my hands. Staring at the monitor, or the lamp, or the window. Just waiting for these moments to pass. I feel so detached. Isolated, but too uninspired to talk, meet with friends, dream a little.
I miss Kel, I miss the energy of our conversations. I miss feeling talented, interesting, having things to talk about. I try to remember what it was like to feel creative and pretty. I worry that girl, the one I was... is slipping away.
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