Firstly, thanks for everyone being so supportive.
I've been tired and listless, therefore writing less. Crazy, because it would probably open the creative channels and get things flowing if I did.
I find myself typing and deleting barely making an entry. Pretty much staring at the screen with a blank expression. I get easily frustrated and drop what I'm doing at the tinge of anything close to annoyance. Kinda bratty really, if you think about it.
I'm not getting much sleep, perhaps I need less. Although I don't have the energy I had access to a few weeks ago. Maybe I have manic tendencies as well as depressive ones.
Times like this I bring Am to bed with me, pull up the covers tight around my chin and breathe deep. Sleeping and dreaming trying to make sense of it all. Hoping to wake up fresh and revitalized. At least least I'm assured sweet puppy kisses upon waking.
Things were very different then
My friend is due back from her choir trip abroad. I've missed her so much. She really amazes me with her enthusiasm and dedication. She is one of those 'do everything' dynamos with so much energy.
She is a go-getter and wonderful person. She is all that and beautiful too (yet humble enough not to notice). Sometimes I'm jealous yet at the same time happy as hell for her. The phenomenal part is how young she is for her cognition.
We went to college together. We both trained in the same field. I wasn't cut out for it though, I gave up or gave in, I'm never sure which. Deep down I'm afraid we won't have anything to talk about when I finally do see her again. I wish I were interesting. What have I done with my life?
Ignorance is bliss
I've been doing some soul searching. That's been hard since thinking tends to depress me.
She is a go-getter and wonderful person. She is all that and beautiful too (yet humble enough not to notice). Sometimes I'm jealous yet at the same time happy as hell for her. The phenomenal part is how young she is for her cognition.
We went to college together. We both trained in the same field. I wasn't cut out for it though, I gave up or gave in, I'm never sure which. Deep down I'm afraid we won't have anything to talk about when I finally do see her again. I wish I were interesting. What have I done with my life?
Ignorance is bliss
I've been doing some soul searching. That's been hard since thinking tends to depress me.
I'm missing my old self lately. I can't say my life was better way back when but certainly different. I felt smarter, prettier then, more capable. At least until I found out how little I mattered. These days I'm just not sure where I'm at. That isn't progress.
Living in fear
Last weekend I wanted to shrink inside myself and my hearts been fluttering ever since. It's hard to be small and unnoticable when you've become so big. I have a problem with being seen and of being an embarrassment.
For those who don't know me I'll have to explain for you to understand. I can thank my ex for enforcing that feeling. Imagine someone you spent half your life with, who never broke up with you so your still with, seeing you somewhere unexpectedly and practically pretending to barely know you at all in front of someone else.
Since then I've never been sure of reality. The paranoia comes and goes. All the things assumed or predictable about life just aren't. I don't trust my own reality. I kept thinking 'its all happened before and it will all happen again'. Other people seeing me or being seen with me terrifies me. It's so hard to deal with wondering how the world will react.
Morning breath?
I'm sitting here, wondering what to write when my boyfriend gives a little squeal in bathroom. First thought was 'a bug' but rejected it quickly as he isn't afraid of them. So I ask what's the matter? The response was one I was not expecting... 'I accidentally used your toothbrush!'. Gack!
Can I predict problems, or what?
What a disaster!
The pessimist in me says I should have known better, that nothing is easy when it comes to me. Seeing the dentist proved to be a painful experience needful as the trip was. Not only did I not freeze well, I was jabbed numerous times afterwards only for it to leave my tongue numb and the filling excruciating.
Because the procedure took so long I have to go back to get it finished. Then I have to have two teeth extracted and even that is complicated. Don't forget this has to get paid somehow. Hopefully I can afford a partial after all is said and done. All the torture from the orthodontist only to have fake teeth anyway. Life is full of lemons.
Oh, but fate is a fickle funny thing!
What do you think I got in the mail when I made it home? A letter from my insurance asking permission to access my files to audit my dentist office. Ha! Sometimes I get sugar in my lemonade, so to speak! I'll worry about the cavities it causes later and enjoy the sweet satisfaction.
Miss Amsterdam (Amelie the dog)
For those of you who have been wondering about my devious little pooch, I'll give a days synopsis from her point of view...
Bugger! My mum is going out without me! Noooo!
Guess I'll have to have fun without her. Harrumph!
Snore... Wha? 'Bark' car, 'bark' person.
Wee I'm at the top of the couch! Whoops, almost fell through the cushions that time. Wee!
(gazes intently through window)
Well that took long enough...She is back, with such a grumpy face.
Mum, Mum! (bum wiggles from tail wagging)
Look, I have that stick of milk tea Pocky you offered last night. See! Did you get me anything?
Yay! She is bending over to pick me up.
Geez I'm excited I think I'll pee on the floor.
Bad, bad, bad, enough with the lecture already.
Finally, it's about time. Hugs and kisses. Slurp, slurp. Suh-weet!
Life is grand, ain't it?
The pessimist in me says I should have known better, that nothing is easy when it comes to me. Seeing the dentist proved to be a painful experience needful as the trip was. Not only did I not freeze well, I was jabbed numerous times afterwards only for it to leave my tongue numb and the filling excruciating.
Because the procedure took so long I have to go back to get it finished. Then I have to have two teeth extracted and even that is complicated. Don't forget this has to get paid somehow. Hopefully I can afford a partial after all is said and done. All the torture from the orthodontist only to have fake teeth anyway. Life is full of lemons.
Oh, but fate is a fickle funny thing!
What do you think I got in the mail when I made it home? A letter from my insurance asking permission to access my files to audit my dentist office. Ha! Sometimes I get sugar in my lemonade, so to speak! I'll worry about the cavities it causes later and enjoy the sweet satisfaction.
Miss Amsterdam (Amelie the dog)
For those of you who have been wondering about my devious little pooch, I'll give a days synopsis from her point of view...
Bugger! My mum is going out without me! Noooo!
Guess I'll have to have fun without her. Harrumph!
Snore... Wha? 'Bark' car, 'bark' person.
Wee I'm at the top of the couch! Whoops, almost fell through the cushions that time. Wee!
(gazes intently through window)
Well that took long enough...She is back, with such a grumpy face.
Mum, Mum! (bum wiggles from tail wagging)
Look, I have that stick of milk tea Pocky you offered last night. See! Did you get me anything?
Yay! She is bending over to pick me up.
Geez I'm excited I think I'll pee on the floor.
Bad, bad, bad, enough with the lecture already.
Finally, it's about time. Hugs and kisses. Slurp, slurp. Suh-weet!
Life is grand, ain't it?
If you don't know what it's like
I'm actually having a panic attack which has began about a half hour ago... and I feel soooo sick! For those of you who haven't had the blessed chance to experience one I'll walk you through it. Usually it starts as a case of bad nerves, feeling a bit on edge. It then starts to escalate from something uncomfortable to something unmanageable. Next thing you know hyperventilating has become an issue (If your experienced this is the first thing to control). From there we arrive at true panic and basically finding your situation more of a predicament truly unbearable.
What brought this on, you ask? Here is a laugh, as the reason is familiar to some but hasn't been an issue for me in years... the dentist. Yes, going as a child was terrible but in the right hands I was able to visit without a problem. I'd practically fall asleep in the chair. I'd certainly been there enough to be used to it, having had mouth surgery, braces, and extensive work done over the years.
But now, here I am. At the point of sheer avoidance. Yes, I tried to cancel but they made me feel guilty because it was a long duration for them to fill. Gawd.
I'm wound up tight like a guitar string waiting to snap. Dizzy, almost blacking out or at least fearing I might. Shaking on the inside but holding it together on the outside once a xanax has come into play. Worst is getting so tired from the anguish and wanting to sleep even though its only 9AM.
What brought this on, you ask? Here is a laugh, as the reason is familiar to some but hasn't been an issue for me in years... the dentist. Yes, going as a child was terrible but in the right hands I was able to visit without a problem. I'd practically fall asleep in the chair. I'd certainly been there enough to be used to it, having had mouth surgery, braces, and extensive work done over the years.
But now, here I am. At the point of sheer avoidance. Yes, I tried to cancel but they made me feel guilty because it was a long duration for them to fill. Gawd.
I'm wound up tight like a guitar string waiting to snap. Dizzy, almost blacking out or at least fearing I might. Shaking on the inside but holding it together on the outside once a xanax has come into play. Worst is getting so tired from the anguish and wanting to sleep even though its only 9AM.
Long time gone
Big hugs all around, I missed everybody! I haven't been doing much at the computer but for work, so blogging hasn't been easy. I am thrilled to say I'm off quite a few meds now that I'm not stuck in a job that sucked the life out of me.
My retched dreams are back. It seems my head needs a shake. I don't like sleeping much because of this. They don't amuse me. Always questioning my worth and existence. Amelie likes to pounce on me when its time to get up, and I'm glad for it.
I'd like to end today's post with something fun and silly. I hope you like it. Amelie couldn't stop laughing!
My retched dreams are back. It seems my head needs a shake. I don't like sleeping much because of this. They don't amuse me. Always questioning my worth and existence. Amelie likes to pounce on me when its time to get up, and I'm glad for it.
I'd like to end today's post with something fun and silly. I hope you like it. Amelie couldn't stop laughing!
About me
I've been memed!
An enjoyable blogger - Jane gave me some points to ponder. Here are my answers...
10 years ago: working my butt off waitressing. Scared of my own shadow.
5 years ago:
Sleeping mostly, in a room as cluttered as my mind at the time.
1 year ago:
working myself sick. All the trappings for happiness but too stressed to stand it.
Yesterday: PMSing.
5 snacks I enjoy:
Ben & Jerry's icecream
Starbucks chai latte
Pocky (creme mousse kind)
Lindor truffles
cheesecake
5 songs I know the words to:
More to life than this ~ bjork
Let's go to bed ~ the cure
Leave in silence ~ depeche mode
Freaky Out-ee ~ home movies
5 things I would do with $100 million:
take care of my family
buy a house
rescue animals
donate to charity
travel
5 locations I would like to run away to:
Britian
Scotland
Iceland
Japan
Tropics
5 bad habits I have:
interupting
talking during movies (just at home, not in theatres!)
impulse buying
zoning out
playing with my feet
5 things I like doing:
watching movies with D
gossiping with my sis
hugging my puppies
visiting my mom
listening to coast to coast am on the radio
5 things I would never wear:
spandex
stilletos
corset
leather pants
real fur
5 TV shows I like:
Most haunted
Home movies
House
Dr. Phil
Law & Order
5 biggest joys of the moment:
mental health
being loved
cool breeze
sound of birds and rustling leaves
hope
5 favorite toys:
computer
cordless mini vac
fish tank
cable movie channels
milk frother
I tag...
Milt http://miltbogs.blogspot.com/
Indigo http://outsidemyhead.blogspot.com/
Wierd Cake http://weirdcake.blogspot.com/
Louise http://cow-dog.net/
Ananke http://confusedandamused.blogspot.com/
An enjoyable blogger - Jane gave me some points to ponder. Here are my answers...
10 years ago: working my butt off waitressing. Scared of my own shadow.
5 years ago:
Sleeping mostly, in a room as cluttered as my mind at the time.
1 year ago:
working myself sick. All the trappings for happiness but too stressed to stand it.
Yesterday: PMSing.
5 snacks I enjoy:
Ben & Jerry's icecream
Starbucks chai latte
Pocky (creme mousse kind)
Lindor truffles
cheesecake
5 songs I know the words to:
More to life than this ~ bjork
Let's go to bed ~ the cure
Leave in silence ~ depeche mode
Freaky Out-ee ~ home movies
5 things I would do with $100 million:
take care of my family
buy a house
rescue animals
donate to charity
travel
5 locations I would like to run away to:
Britian
Scotland
Iceland
Japan
Tropics
5 bad habits I have:
interupting
talking during movies (just at home, not in theatres!)
impulse buying
zoning out
playing with my feet
5 things I like doing:
watching movies with D
gossiping with my sis
hugging my puppies
visiting my mom
listening to coast to coast am on the radio
5 things I would never wear:
spandex
stilletos
corset
leather pants
real fur
5 TV shows I like:
Most haunted
Home movies
House
Dr. Phil
Law & Order
5 biggest joys of the moment:
mental health
being loved
cool breeze
sound of birds and rustling leaves
hope
5 favorite toys:
computer
cordless mini vac
fish tank
cable movie channels
milk frother
I tag...
Milt http://miltbogs.blogspot.com/
Indigo http://outsidemyhead.blogspot.com/
Wierd Cake http://weirdcake.blogspot.com/
Louise http://cow-dog.net/
Ananke http://confusedandamused.blogspot.com/
I'll excuse you for yawning
Next stop: dullsville I haven't written in awhile. I'm suffering 'blog jam' (bloggers block). A performance anxiety of sorts which leaves me indecisive about what to write. I'm too concerned about the read and not the release.
Normally I'd blather on about trivial things. I've notice a trend in the blogging world. So many blogs about the war, world hunger, and Katie Holmes. The truth is I'm finding it very hard to consider my menial life's ranting worthy of reading, therefore writing. I don't have answers so I don't voice my own, or at least I haven't for the past few days.
Even talking about the weather has become a heavy topic. I'm lucky, we have no hurricanes. There isn't much to worry about here. It's mildly hot but I find the air suffocating so I'm praying for rain. I've added this for entertainment value, seeing this entry is truly boring.Dreamland
I dreamt Britney Spears was smart. She felt the mind and the person inside the body were more inportant than the body itself.I dreamt that I was Tom Cruise's hired help. I kept trying to figure out what I could make him at meal time. The fretting about it was needless because he never came home to eat anything anyway.
I dreamt that an ogre was writing the next Harry Potter of the literature world. I was so concerned that the words being used might be too hard for children to understand.
Nothing like this reflects my reality, so wtf?
fades out - showing passage of time
Hot, hot, hot!
I'm finding my backward sleeping habits rewarding. The only time it's cool enough to do anything is during the wee hours of morning. The day staggers with all the pollen and unbearable heat. Sweat and allergies, two of my least favorite things.
Get away
We packed up and headed for D's mom's during the weekend. Amelie enjoyed playing with Streak despite his over zealous brawn. I played scared mom on the side lines, ready to swoop up my fur baby at any moment of danger, afraid I wouldn't be fast enough. D and 'sugar-free grandma' were more relaxed about the matter. I guess I'm used to my families placid pekes.
Alive and kicking
Yesterday earmarks the first day of feeling somewhat normal this summer's calendar. I haven't felt alright with myself for so long. I forgot what it's like not to worry and dread every second's passing. I'm not all better but I'm better off, which says a lot. If D ever reads this, I thank him for making it possible. I also thank those who took the time to reach out in blogland, you know who you are!
I'm finding my backward sleeping habits rewarding. The only time it's cool enough to do anything is during the wee hours of morning. The day staggers with all the pollen and unbearable heat. Sweat and allergies, two of my least favorite things.
Get away
We packed up and headed for D's mom's during the weekend. Amelie enjoyed playing with Streak despite his over zealous brawn. I played scared mom on the side lines, ready to swoop up my fur baby at any moment of danger, afraid I wouldn't be fast enough. D and 'sugar-free grandma' were more relaxed about the matter. I guess I'm used to my families placid pekes.
Alive and kicking
Yesterday earmarks the first day of feeling somewhat normal this summer's calendar. I haven't felt alright with myself for so long. I forgot what it's like not to worry and dread every second's passing. I'm not all better but I'm better off, which says a lot. If D ever reads this, I thank him for making it possible. I also thank those who took the time to reach out in blogland, you know who you are!
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